39 Weeks (TOMORROW IS THE DAY!)

*Please excuse this awful picture. I didn't have energy to make myself look decent today.

Well folks, this is it. I've made it to 39 weeks and tomorrow I go for in my repeat c-section so this will be short.

I'm a bundle of nerves right now, and it hasn't quite hit me that in 24 hours I should be in my hospital room snuggling my little girl.

It has been quite a week with two scary non-stress tests at the hospital, and I've been on edge ever since.

I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, I don't think I could have made it any longer as I'm sure any pregnant woman would say right before delivering.

I had a moment earlier today while driving around with Carter. I actually could see myself holding Olivia and taking her home (something that has been hard for me to imagine due to my fears this entire pregnancy) and I broke down into that really ugly cry. I think I freaked Carter out a little and had to reassure him that I was only crying happy tears.

Please send prayers and positive thoughts for Olivia's safe and healthy arrival!

Hopefully I'll get a chance to update you all from the hospital.

O M G.

Women who complain about being pregnant..

**Warning - Picture of pregnancy at the bottom of this post. Do not continue if it makes you uncomfortable**

I've noticed on the miscarriage boards I follow that a lot women who have struggled with pregnancy loss and infertility have a problem with women who complain about being pregnant. I get why it sucks to read that so and so is feeling SO sick and can't wait for the pregnancy to be over when all you want is to be pregnant and would give anything to be. I GET it. But I wanted to give my two cents on it because this is my blog and I can.

After having my loss in February, I announced my miscarriage on FB. I was 13ish weeks and had already told everyone so I felt it would be appropriate to say something about losing the baby. I didn't want someone to ask me, out of the blue, how I was feeling or doing with the pregnancy, and thought this was the easiest way. The very same day I announced my miscarriage, in the same news feed (after my announcement) there was more than one pregnant woman complaining about their pregnancy. Ouch. That was definitely in poor taste and a little hurtful.

However, I do feel like complaining about being pregnant comes with the territory. Most women will be pregnant very few times in their lives (unless you're Michelle Duggar), and I think it's important to soak up every bit of it, even the ugly parts. It's your right to be able to complain about how you're feeling especially if it took you a while to get there. You shouldn't pretend that you are pooping out flowers and walking on clouds all day long cuz that's a lie.You'll probably have hemmoroids the size of a quarter on your ass that will make you feel like you are pooping out razor blades (yes that happens). And you don't have to keep all that pain to yourself and lie and tell people that pregnancy is wonderful all of the time because you don't want to seem "unappreciative". It's ok to say it blows sometimes.

If you had the flu continuously for 9 months, would you complain about it? Umm yes, yes you most definitely would. You might even say you HATED it. Right? And that's an awful comparison to what it can be like when you're expecting, but it sorta feels like you have the flu almost every single day. It's not a walk in the park. But it doesn't mean that these women don't appreciate their babies and wouldn't be devastated if they lost them. Or it doesn't mean that they would rather be struggling to get pregnant than be pregnant. It's just that it sucks so darn bad sometimes that they complain about it. Just like we all complain when we aren't feeling well or when life has us down (and some of us will complain because we just enjoy complaining, cough :Mom: cough.). It's easy to take things personally, but none of it is personal. It wasn't personal that someone was complaining about feeling sick while pregnant minutes after I said I lost my baby. And I know that. It was definitely odd, and hurtful (but I had so much hurt going through me, it didn't phase me at the time).

Dealing with a loss is hard. Really really hard. But I don't think it means that when you do conceive and carry a healthy child again that it should be any different of an experience for you. You shouldn't have to pretend you are happy ALL of the time. If you have been struggling with infertility or miscarriage, when you finally get pregnant, I hope that you DO complain when you've been hugging the toilet for hours, or your too exhausted to shower. YOU out of anyone should be reveling in all the little things that come with being pregnant, even if they are the bad things.

You know you wouldn't trade where you are at for the WORLD, but it's ok to admit it kinda sucks sometimes.

BUT, here's the but, please use some sensitivity when doing so. I'm not going to call up a friend who just had a miscarriage and tell them that I am a miserable pregnant woman. And if someone tells me that they are struggling with infertility, I won't tell them I dislike being pregnant (if I have done this unintentionally, I am sorry).

I do think it's OK to post things on FB, or talk about about how far along you are, and if you aren't feeling well etc, even if you know someone is going through a hardship related to pregnancy. Just use tact. Don't say right after something bad has happened to them. This is your experience and your time to enjoy it. I don't think you shouldn't experience all the glory that comes as a pregnant woman because you are afraid you're going to hurt someones feelings. Just be a bit sensitive to others.

So no, it doesn't bother me when women complain they are pregnant, unless they do it to my face, right after telling them I've lost my baby, that I've also just had a chemical pregnancy, and that my due date is closely approaching and I'm still not pregnant after trying every single cycle since the loss. Then I would want to punch you in the face. And I do want to know how you are feeling, and how the pregnancy is treating you and I don't want anyone to feel weird telling me that stuff.

Life's too short to walk on eggshells all the time.

So I hope you complain.

Maybe this will be me again?

And so it is..

Well once again it has been forever since I've posted. There is too much to say but too little words. I miscarried around Valentine's Day at almost 14 weeks. There is no reason, no sense, and no explanation, I can only think that there is something different in store for me and this was meant to be a part of my life, maybe someday I know why. And maybe not. We did find out the baby was a girl and we named her Rose in a quick suggestion that has since turned into her official name. I thought the name was sweet and appropriate because we lost her around Valentine's Day. My doctors appointment was scheduled for Valentine's Day, but for no real reason I asked to change it to the day after as if I knew.

I'm ok for the most part. I still get emotional thinking about it. I'm still perplexed why some people close to me became distant and hurtful afterwards. But I'm trying to remind myself that their behavior is not about me. And it's hard to do. I can't control what happened but I can control how I feel about it and I'm choosing to feel at peace about it. I'm content with where I'm at in my life right now. I'm open to what this will bring for me in the future and am trusting that there is meaning in all of it.

As for trying again, we originally decided not to, but now we've decided not to prevent either and go with it. I'm not tracking anything (and let's be honest, there is very little time for baby makin with an 18 month old that sleeps in your bed), but we will see what happens. What will be, will be. And that is ok with me. If it doesn't happen towards the end of the year, I might track again and I might not. And that's ok!

There is a lot going on elsewhere in my life too! Laura is getting married next month, her bachelorette is next weekend, and my 28th birthday is coming up on May 28th. Twenty-Eight is only my absolute favorite number ever and I have to believe that this will be one of the best years yet for me! I just *know* it.

Carter is doing amazingly. He is at the best age I've experienced yet. He's hilarious, goofy, and so adorable it hurts to look at him sometimes. Easter is next Sunday and we're planning a fun photo shoot tomorrow while doing an Easter Egg hunt. Andy and I just returned from Chicago yesterday for business and had a wonderful 3 days together just the two of us. Although we missed Carter a lot, it was a much needed break.

Our 2 year wedding anniversary is also coming up on Monday but we prematurely celebrated in Chicago our first night at Ruth's Chris, and I'm sure we'll do something just the three of us on Monday. :)

Life ain't bad.

Getting my Skinny On

I just returned from my Monday night Pilates class. Yay me! I'm pretty proud of myself for making it 3 weeks in a row! My goal is to work out 3-4 days a week and I know that isn't always going to be possible, but the hard part is picking up where you left off when you fall out of your routine. I was THIS close to skipping tonight.

This week is gonna be a crazy one! I am secretly looking forward to this exact moment next week when I can put everything I have to do this week behind me. Sigh. The TLPA 2010 Convention is Thursday and Friday (Work Convention) and we have some business peeps in town to entertain on top of the never ending work mountain that I can't get down. Don't get me wrong, it's a lot of fun stuff with some work tied in, there is just a lot going on so I'm hoping to make tomorrow night's Ab's & Assets class because I'll be tied up the rest of the week. And keep my head on straight and my mouth closed (for eating, and I guess talking too because I get into a lot of trouble with that damn thing).

If you know me you know I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I've had my ups and down's and my in betweens. It's been on the forefront of my mind for years and a hard subject for me. In fact, it's hard to even write about. I was in a good groove before I was pregnant with Carter and lost some weight due to a number of factors and then I got pregnant with Carter. I was fairly comfortable with where I was at then, and I almost felt like an average sized person for a while who was just pregnant. And then I had the baby ...


And when you hear that baby weight is the hardest to lose, they aint jokin. It feels like its doubly hard for the weight to come off! I've you've read my blog at all, you know that I WANT to have another baby. So I better get to where I want to be fast.

I know we are going to have two kids close in age, but we are both terrified of having two as Carter is a lil bit of a handful, and if your hands are full, how do you fill it more? That and the financial burden, and we are both full-time working parents, etc. How does anyone handle more than one? BUT I know that we have to have two close in age, and at the end of the day, nothing else matters besides your children and the legacy you leave on this planet so we'll make it work. Somehow. We HAVE to make it work. Money, time, energy - it all works out in the end and it has to. Now I've just got to convince my husband of that.

Our current plan is to start trying in April. AP
RIL. It just seems so far away, and I am so looking forward to being a cute pregnant lady again. However, I think April it will have to be. That gives me 6 months to lose 30 pounds, get caught up financially, and get mentally prepared to do this roller coaster ride again. I think I can, I think I can.


And who can resist a teensy tiny little newborn love bug (like my baby boy as a newborn). Seriously, how lucky did I get? Isn't he like the most perfect thing on the planet?

Us last October. Carter's FIRST Pumpkin Patch Visit.

BUT there is the irrational spontaneous side of me that might just get pregnant before then, because, well, just because. Must hold out. Good things come to those who wait, right??


Well, cheer me on folks. I'm on my way to become a lean mean fighten machine. Watch out world!! I'm off to bed.


Night.


Xoxoxo