The wait is driving me crazy!

My first ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday at 9am. Andy is definitely coming with me this time. In fact, I have this fear about going alone to any ultrasound now after losing Rose. I went to that appointment alone.

My new doctor has a fancy ultrasound tech with a machine come in every Thursday so he only does ultrasounds on this day. The plus side is the equipment is nicer so I'll be getting an abdominal ultrasound and I won't have to be probed with the wand. Yay! The negative side is that he wanted me to have my 1st ultrasound last Thursday but because I had to go to San Fran for work, we had to put if off a week. I could have done it the week before my trip, but I would have only been 5 weeks, 6 days I didn't want to worry myself if we didn't see anything that early so we put it off a week. I'll be one day shy of 8 weeks for my appointment.

With my last two pregnancies, I did not have an NT scan at 12 weeks. My previous doctor didn't find it necessary because I wasn't high risk, but left it up to me and I decided not to. My reasoning was if they found anything wrong with the baby AT ALL, I would never terminate the pregnancy. Even if my child would never have a chance at life, I would carry my baby as long as I possibly could.

My doctor is requiring my to get an NT Scan this time at 12 weeks, and I am relieved. I lost Rose just shy of 14 weeks, and had they done an NT Scan, we might have known a bit earlier that things were not looking good because my fluid was low. It wouldn't have changed the outcome, but hearing all is well at my scan at 12 weeks this time will bring me peace of mind.

But I'm going to stop thinking about the past and the "what if's" and focus on the positive. Right now, I know I'm pregnant. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday and we have no reason to believe this pregnancy isn't going to result in a healthy baby. I've had no spotting, no intense cramping (besides that first week), and I have symptoms of pregnancy. The biggest symptom for me is the fatigue and nausea, but it's not that bad for now. For the most part, I feel okay.

I had a Doppler I used when pregnant with Carter, I believe we first found the heartbeat around 10 weeks. I really want to get one for this pregnancy and will probably start shopping for one this weekend assuming my appointment goes well (I need to stop saying that!).

Ooh, and my mom had a reading with a psychic recently and the psychic asked my mom who was pregnant, and my mom said I was, and then the psychic brought up twins and asked if they ran in the family. She said she saw a boy and a girl. I really don't think I'm having twins, although there's always the thought before you know for sure you only have one baking. Twins don't really run in the family, but there were a pair of them a few generations back on my moms side. The chances are extremely low given we were not on any kind of fertility meds, but hey, you never know.

Hopefully I'll have a nice happy update for you on Thursday.

Oh and Happy Halloween! We will be Trick Or Treating tonight, hopefully I'll be back tomorrow with pictures.

Michelle

More details

Can I tell you how much I love my doctor? I'm really happy I switched to him after I lost Rose. He took such good care of me where I felt my previous doctor kind of left me hanging. He has been so supportive and helpful these past 8 months or so. When he found out I had called to make an appointment because I had gotten a positive pregnancy test, he called me himself to congratulate me and ask me how I was feeling.

Charting has been really helpful for me, I feel like I have a different understanding of my body and my cycles. I actually couldn't stop charting after I found out I was pregnant; I kept taking my temperature every single day that eventually I had to hide my thermometer from myself so I wouldn't worry unnecessarily if my temperature happened to drop one day.

I wrote the following after I ovulated to keep track of how I felt everyday and even came up with some zany theory about my cycles. For anyone actively TTC, I thought you might be interested. I wrote this before finding out I was pregnant:

_______________________________________________________
1 dpo - Nothing, still not sure if I have O'd, waiting on another temp spike to let me know.


2 dpo - Woo hoo, BIG temp spike, and much higher temps overall from my previous two months of charting. Lower dull backache, and some light cramping.

3 dpo - Cross hairs, it's official, I have O'd! Always an exciting day. I have slightly sore bbs, could be progesterone, and am SO fatigued today. Have zero energy. Could also be progesterone symptoms.

4 dpo - definitely sore bbs, some AF cramps, really emotional and stressed day, hormones are wacky. Some random sharp pains in my abdomen, very painful.

5 dpo - still sore bbs, definitely more sore than the previous days, still light crampy feeling, a little spaced out, can't remember words. Some nausea while brushing my teeth this morning, almost gagged. SUPER EMOTIONAL.

6 dpo - slightly sore bbs.

7 dpo - slightly sore bbs, maybe some bloating?

8 dpo - some light cramping, sore bbs again, irritable. Think I have the faintest of faint lines on a FRER.

I'm starting to get a theory. After our loss in February, my first AF came mid March, and my first O was during the first week of April, we did not "try" this month. The 1st real month of trying came in May, BFN. June, my 2nd month I had very, very light lines on my wondfo pregnancy strips at 11 dpo, and AF came right on time, chemical pregnancy. Third month trying was July and we started charting, BFN. My O temps were very, very low (much lower than the following months) and I realized I was ovulating on CD 17 not CD 14 so my prior two months of trying were probably very off on our BD days. 2nd month of charting, August, I had a really weak O. My temps climbed very slowly, and I think I may have been a day off on my O date. I think we had a weak little egg, and a weak corpus luteam that didn't secret enough progesterone. So now I'm on my 3rd month of charting, and with the nice temp spike I had, and knowing I had a beautiful little follicle to release and a nice lining, I think my body is ready to go, we just need conception to take place. So basically I think we have a really good chance this month. Come on Universe!

____________________________________________


I think my symptoms weren't too different than any old month of TTC except for my emotions. They were seriously out of whack. I lost a customer who I've had for 5 years to another agency who had done something a little shady to write the account and I was SO upset. I should be used to it, this is part of what I do and it happens all the time (except I do business the honest way). I cried so hard in my office that my co-workers thought I was nuts. One even guessed I was pregnant because of how emotional I was acting. I like to do things the right way, and when someone else lies to get ahead and succeed, it really angers me. Luckily for me, karma exists and though they may succeed now, they won't in the end. Obviously I'm still upset over that one.

Right now, I can't stop my feelings of fear. What if something happens because I keep thinking it's going to happen? I know that sounds ridiculous.

Just trying to take it one day at a time. I've had waves of nausea come and go, serious fatigue, and my boobs hurt insanely bad but so far I feel okay, very normalish which also gets me freaking out. But knowing I felt like death when I was pregnant with Rose, and we lost her, I know that having symptoms don't equal a healthy pregnant.

Here is a picture of my BFP at 8 dpo, can you see it? I could, I'm a pro.



Later that day:



My FRER progression:



My Wondfo progression:



And the most recent FRER I took a few days ago:



The faint line in this one is the control, not the test line. Stick baby stick!

I've been keeping a secret

And I really suck at secret keeping. So here goes:

I'm 6 weeks along today. I know some prefer to hold on to their news until 12 weeks, but seeing as I am very open with my previous miscarriage and TTC journey, I don't mind sharing this so early. The Facebook announcement will definitely wait.

I found out on October 3rd (at only 8 dpo) it was honestly really surprising because I had become so accoustomed to seeing negative tests that my mouth literally dropped open when a faint 2nd line appeared. I saw faint second lines that early with my pregnancy with Carter and with Rose so seeing a line gave me a good feeling. With the chemical pregnancy I had in June, I didn't see a super faint line until 11 dpo, and it never darkened. And you can be sure I've taken a million tests since then and they all have been super dark. I actually took one the other day and the test line was so dark the control line was barely visible.

I had my first beta test on October 11th at 16 dpo, it came back at 247. My 2nd beta test on October 13th came back at 751 with a doubling time of 33 hours. That definitely gave me some relief, but naturally I'm still on pins and needles and consumed with fear. My 1st ultrasound is on November 3rd, (TWO MORE WEEKS AWAY), normally he does them at 6 weeks, but I'll be out of town when he originally wanted me to do it (next week). I might try to work it in sooner. I just want to make sure this bub is in the proper place and has a heartbeat.

So until then I'll be cautious.happy.scared.excited.worried.hopeful and terrified. Sounds about right.

And while I know this is good day for me, this might the source of someone's bad day. I'm sending so much love and strength to you ladies trying to conceive out there.

Xo,

Pumpkin Festival

Just some pictures of the Pumpkin Festival from last weekend.

It still hurts.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day is today, October 15th. It's a sad day, a good day, a frustrating day.

Truth?

Well obviously I'm going to give you the truth, but I'm still sad a lot. I cry. A lot. Sometimes an entire week will go by that I don't cry, and then I do. I feel a lot. It's not that I'm depressed, I'm not, I'm actually a pretty happy person, but I feel very deeply. I was going to say I feel too much, but I don't think it's such a bad thing. I only wish I could turn it off sometimes. I wish I could be hard and cold when needed. But I like to feel...I cry watching the news, I cry when getting good news, heck I cried today at the Pumpkin Festival when the band played "I Got A Feeling." It reminded me of the Oprah episode where they surprised her with a giant flash mob, and the entire audience of 30,000 people we're all happy and dancing in sync that I was overwhelmed with emotion. Hearing the band play this song today brought on a happy cry, and I was mortified to be crying in the middle of the Pumpkin Festival at 11am on a Saturday because a band played a happy song. But anyway, yes I cry. A lot. I can't control it.

I cry about Rose. I thought it would get easier, but it hasn't. I never thought losing a child at only 14 weeks would have this kind of affect on me, and I don't see this changing, ever. It brings so many other questions and emotions about life after death. Does it really exist? Do we just hope it exists because it brings comfort in situations like this? Do we hold on to this because it makes the fear of the unknown more comforting? I hope my baby girl is in heaven watching over me, I think she is.

Sorry to be so heavy. I have much more to talk about soon on this topic, and have some blog posts lined up that I hope to share with you soon.

For now, enjoy this lovely Oprah moment. It moves me every.single.time.

Xx.

A Look Back at the Pumpkin Patch

This is Carter's 3rd year celebrating Halloween and going to the pumpkin patch. I love looking back to see what Carter looked like at the same time last year, and the holidays make it pretty easy to do so.

Here is a look back at my little babe at the pumpkin patch:

October 2009

I remember the lady who worked at the patch told us she thought Carter was the youngest little one she's ever had there. He was teeny!

October 2010

This is one of my favorite pictures of C, ever!

And October 2011!

We technically haven't done our official pumpkin patch visit this year, but we did go to the farm the other day and they had their pumpkins out so I had to get some pictures.

MIA

I'm so sorry I've been MIA lately. I promise I'll be back and posting regularly again. I've never been so busy, between Carter's party, family in town, and getting our lives back in order, I'm surprised I've had time to shower lately. And I've been failing at that too I guess. Haha.

I'm still reading all your blogs, unfortunately blogger is being a dork again and not letting my comment on some of my favorite blogs from my work computer, and I tend to do all my blog reading on my lunch break so that kind of sucks. Especially after I type out a nice heartfelt and hilarious comment and it doesn't go through so my effort is wasted. I'm going to try and make an effort to comment from home.

I haven't touched my camera or Photoshop in a few weeks so hopefully that will change soon. Maybe one of my preggo friends will let me take some pictures of their bellies soon for fun?

Last week Andy and I actually ventured from home and drove the 30 miles to Hollywood, on a work night, and saw a concert! A real concert! I was pretty uncomfortable the whole time and sat down in a chair in the corner, but hey, it was a real concert! We saw the band Gomez play, we are both fans, and we also loved the opening acts Greylag and The Kopecky Family Band. All really good bands, if you like Indie-Folky-Rockish music, you'll dig it.

Here are some other things I've been doing recently:

Halloween Horror Nights at Universal with my mom, sisters and a few friends last Friday (if you enjoy being chased by a satanic clown with a chainsaw, go for it!).

Celebrated my sister Kat's 40th Birthday (I think she is lying and is really the same age as me, we are super close and I couldn't imagine not starting my day with a little coffee and chit chatting with her).

Carter and I ate something nasty yesterday and it gave us a stomach bug. He was way worse than me and woke me up at 4am, and then barfed all over me, in my bed, twice. The 2nd time came after we had bathed him, replaced the sheets and washed the dirties. Fun stuff I tell you. All I could think about at 4am, puke on my arm, is what in the world would I do with TWO barfy kids at 4am? One is too much. Sigh.

We're going up to San Francisco at the end of the month for work, and we're bringing Carter with us! Can't wait to introduce Carter to the city that Andy and I met in.

HALLOWEEN is almost here! Yikes! No costume ideas for Carter yet, although he is really into the cartoon Wow Wow Wubbzy and I found a Wow Wow costume so I might go that route. I want to choose something I know he's into rather than dress him in something I find cute, but then again I'm running out of years where I can dress him in whatever I want without any objections.

Next weekend is the annual Pumpkin Festival in a nearby town. Looking forward to bringing Carter like we did last year, and possibly going car shopping for Andy.

Carter can pretty much say any word he wants now, he repeats almost everything he hears, and sometimes he shocks us with words or phrases that we have no idea where they came from. He says thank you ALL the time, and sorry. It's the cutest thing in the world when I unbuckle his car seat, and like clockwork he says "Tank you, tank you" while giving me the cutest little smile. He is due for his 2 year check up soon and I'm sure he's grown like a weed from his last appointment. I'm working on getting him to say "Trick Or Treat" so he'll be prepared for Halloween.

The holidays are going to be so much fun this year. Carter is at an age where he understands the concept of presents. Seeing his face on Christmas morning will pretty much sum up all the reasons why I wanted to have kids in the first place.

That's about it. Thanks for sticking around. I promise to update more VERY soon.

Carter's 2nd Birthday!

My life has been so hectic lately so thank you for being patient while I get myself back together.

Last Saturday, September 24, Carter turned 2! We had a fabulous Mickey themed birthday and I couldn't have asked for a more perfect day.

Rock n I.

Mary and I.

Andy in his adorable Mickey apron. 

My friend Lauren's sweet baby girl Charlotte. 

My friend Sam and her baby boy Waylon.

My friend Amy.

Alina, Samantha, Debbie & Laura!

Carter is SO lucky, both of his great-grammies from Massachusetts were in town for his party. This fills my heart with joy.

Great-Grammie Spaulding (my mother's mother).

Great-Grammie Bartlett or Nana Haley (My father's mother).

I know how blessed we are and I thank God daily for his many blessings. We are so fortunate to have had such a wonderful day surrounded by our closest friends of family. 

On a daily basis my life is filled with work stress, and home life frustrations; it just takes a second to remind myself that the little things don't matter. In the end, all that matters is my family,  friends, and the impressions we make on people and this world. 

I am living my best life and need to not take everything else so seriously. 

Hope you enjoyed these pictures! :)