Saturday, October 15, 2011

It still hurts.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day is today, October 15th. It's a sad day, a good day, a frustrating day.


Well obviously I'm going to give you the truth, but I'm still sad a lot. I cry. A lot. Sometimes an entire week will go by that I don't cry, and then I do. I feel a lot. It's not that I'm depressed, I'm not, I'm actually a pretty happy person, but I feel very deeply. I was going to say I feel too much, but I don't think it's such a bad thing. I only wish I could turn it off sometimes. I wish I could be hard and cold when needed. But I like to feel...I cry watching the news, I cry when getting good news, heck I cried today at the Pumpkin Festival when the band played "I Got A Feeling." It reminded me of the Oprah episode where they surprised her with a giant flash mob, and the entire audience of 30,000 people we're all happy and dancing in sync that I was overwhelmed with emotion. Hearing the band play this song today brought on a happy cry, and I was mortified to be crying in the middle of the Pumpkin Festival at 11am on a Saturday because a band played a happy song. But anyway, yes I cry. A lot. I can't control it.

I cry about Rose. I thought it would get easier, but it hasn't. I never thought losing a child at only 14 weeks would have this kind of affect on me, and I don't see this changing, ever. It brings so many other questions and emotions about life after death. Does it really exist? Do we just hope it exists because it brings comfort in situations like this? Do we hold on to this because it makes the fear of the unknown more comforting? I hope my baby girl is in heaven watching over me, I think she is.

Sorry to be so heavy. I have much more to talk about soon on this topic, and have some blog posts lined up that I hope to share with you soon.

For now, enjoy this lovely Oprah moment. It moves me every.single.time.