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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Happy Holidays! And it's a ...

Sorry I've been slacking lately. I'm in a little bit of a funk because Christmas is over. I love the madness of the season and spending time with my family. The relatives left today and I'm back at work (sniff sniff). Every year I tell myself that I'm going to take the week between Christmas and New Years off and every year I don't. I'm really kicking myself this year.

My parents hired a local Santa to come to their house on Christmas Eve and hand out one present to all the kids. Carter is much more aware of Christmas this year and he won't stop talking about Santa Clause so I knew he'd be excited. The minute Santa came to the door, Carter was mesmorized by him. He took Santa's hand and showed him the Christmas tree, and then picked a present up and gave it to Santa. And then it kinda got ugly. Before Santa came to the door, my parents gave Santa one present for each child so that he could hand them out and take pictures with the kids. Carter went first, and when Santa went to pull out the first present Carter's eyes lit up and he reached out to take the present, but it wasn't for him. Santa takes out the next present, and same thing, not for him. By the third present when Santa told Carter it wasn't for him, he was so horrified he ran away sobbing. We felt so horrible. By the time the last present came out, we all excitedly cheered because we thought it must be for him, but as Carter was about to open it, we realized it wasn't for Carter (my parents had put in two presents for someone else and missed Carter accidentally!). Carter started sobbing again and ran away. His feelings were so hurt. We all couldn't help but laugh at the awful mixup. I'm not sure if Carter is still a fan of Santa. Finally my mom ran and got Carter a present to open, but the damage had been done.

Sittin on Santa's lap, but seriously Santa? You couldn't have looked at the camera? Carter was actually looking at the camera for once!


Finally getting his present with tears still in his eyes.
Right before Christmas Eve dinner.
 We had 15 people at my parents house for Christmas who all bring presents for each other. It gets a bit overwhelming. And my parents insist on passing out presents one by one. It takes a few hours to get through them all, but it is so.much.fun.

My instagram pic of our tree on Christmas morning.

Love this picture of Carter. He loved the 99 cent bag of balloons that Santa put in his stocking.
I think it was his favorite toy of the day as expected.

15 weeks, belly is huge but I've lost 10 pounds! It doesn't feel like it though.

Sorry to keep you all waiting, but I forgot to post the gender annoucement. We found out a few days before Christmas that we are expecting a ....


G I R L

I'll post more about the details later, and will hopefully have some pictures to go with it.

Happy Holidays!


Saturday, December 24, 2011

Happy Christmas Eve!

Filled With Love Holiday
Shutterfly has elegant holiday invitations for your party.
View the entire collection of cards.

With lots of love,

Michelle, Andy, Carter (and baby!)

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

June


I was reading up June birth months because I'm into astrology and wanted to find out more about this little bub.

This baby will most likely be a Gemini like myself, like my mother and one of my best friends. There is also avery good chance this baby will be born on mothers birthday.

I learned something very beautiful this morning. The birth flower for the month of June is a Rose.


Image found here.

A rose! I couldn't help my emotions the second I read that and tears started to stream down my face. Something just clicked inside of me. It seems like this past year - losing Rose, TTC, our new baby - has all come together full circle.

Can I tell you something? My mother lost a child before I was born when she was 5 months pregnant. It was a little boy. Years later she met with a psychic and they told her she had lost a little boy, that the timing wasn't right, but he was waiting for the right time to come back to her. She truly believes he came back to her when my brother was born (who is now 17). Do you believe in this? I truly do.

Also, this past May I went and saw a local psychic. She told me she saw some "issues with pregnancy." I told the psychic that I had lost a baby a few months back. She then told me that I would have a healthy pregnancy by the end of year, but that I must wait three months before conceiving because my body was not ready. I didn't want to believe her at the time because we were already trying, but she was right. The fourth cycle that we tried after that meeting resulted in this pregnancy.

I'm starting to let myself believe that maybe everything will be okay this time.

By the way, we found out the gender over the weekend at our early elective gender scan. I will share that news very soon; I want to scan in some of the pictures first.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Randoms


Baby update:

-On Wednesday at 13 weeks 5 days, we had another ultrasound. Yes I've ultrasounds every two weeks since week 7, but after losing a baby in my 2nd trimester it's the least that can be done to ease my fears.

But it was more than just another ultrasound. I found out when I was 14 weeks along that our sweet baby Rose had passed - with no warning. She measured 13 weeks 5 days. I didn't plan on having an ultrasound at exactly 13 weeks 5 days this time, it just happened that way. As you can imagine, I was terrified my world would collapse around me once again, but it didn't. The baby looked great, heart beat of 150.

I've been able to find the baby's heartbeat using my doppler at home every single night as well. Sometimes twice a day. I know it's excessive, I know. Two nights ago as I pushed firmly with my doppler looking for that heart beat, I felt something push back. Not something, but the baby! The baby kicked me! I was shocked. I know what it feels like after having been pregnant before, and that's exactly what it was. I haven't felt it on my own, but I hope I do soon. I didn't start feeling kicks until 20 weeks with Carter, but my placenta was in front of Carter making kicks harder to feel early on.

We were given a 65% guess on the baby's gender! I had an elective scan scheduled for next Friday but I bumped it up to today. The company will do re-scans for free if they can't see the gender the first time so I figured why not.

I had originally planned a fun Christmas morning gender reveal. But I doubt I can wait until Christmas. Aw, oh well.

-I'm a Paper Mama favorite this week for my photo!

The Paper Mama

Carter in his festive jammies.


-I'm SO excited for Christmas. It's my favorite day of the entire year. As much as I want the day to be here, I'm always sad when it's over. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait! Okay, that is all.


A Christmas photo from circa 1995 or 1996. I'm on the upper right.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Photo Challenge: Pets

I haven't done one of The Paper Mama's challenges in a while, but I thought I do one this week. This week the challenge is to take a picture of your pet (or any animal). We don't have any pets; my two year-old is all I can handle right now, but I took some pictures of my friends and Mike with their sweet doggies for their holiday card. Amy is 23 weeks pregnant with their baby boy! This one has to be my favorite, and I think it's Amy's too.




Check out Amy's blog post to see some other pictures from the day.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Baby #2: 12 weeks!

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How Far Along: 12 weeks 6 days (13 weeks tomorrow, eeeeeek)

Size of baby: The baby is almost 3 inches long. Wow, that seems pretty big to me. I love all three inches of you baby.


Gender: Still too early but I'm feeling a boy vibe. I'm not good with gender guessing though. I was sure my friend Amy was having a girl, but she's having a B-O-Y. Also, the Chinese Gender Calendar has always been wrong for me until I read that you have to use your lunar age. I used my lunar age, and it was correct for Carter and Rose, it also predicts this little one is a boy. (And Amy, I checked, it's right for you too).

Apparently I like to waste money because I shelled out $35 for this thing:

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Taken at 10 weeks like the directions state. I've read that Intelligender can be wildly inaccurate, but I couldn't help myself.

I'm scheduling an elective gender ultrasound in my 15th week. I know a lot of people who found at at 15 weeks, and I would like to be one of them. I don't think I can wait until my 19 week anatomy scan. Also, I'll be 15 weeks right before Christmas and thought it would be fun to find out and announce on Christmas morning. If the baby cooperates.

Movement: Too early.


What I miss: Nothing.


Cravings: Italian food. Food in general. Food that is not salad.


Symptoms: I'm feeling pretty good this week, my fatigue has eased up and I feel semi-normal (which also scares me).


Best Moment of this week: My successful NT scan last Thursday! The baby measured 1 day ahead of my LMP, no more measuring behind. The Nuchal Fold measured 1.4mm which was spot on, and the nasal bone was present. Heart rate was 164 bpm.

I'm starting my 13th week tomorrow and the anxiety is setting in. I was 14 weeks when I found out we had lost Rose, and she passed at 13 weeks 5 days based on measurements. Please God let me get through the next two weeks. Please let me take home a healthy baby.

Happy freaking Holidays everyone!





Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Spoiling

Growing up, my parents were not the "ideal" parents. They were the type of parents who hired a babysitter for my sister and I anytime they went anywhere. They both worked full-time running their own business, and when they weren't working they spent a lot of time at business dinners, or parties and we always had an endless stream of nannies at our door who filled in when we needed a boo boo kissed or a hand to hold.

My sister and I craved our parents attention and were always jealous of our friends mothers who packed them wonder bread sandwiches for lunch, did their hair every morning, and inquired about their day at school every single day. My sister and I were the kids who bought lunch every day, but some days we didn't because my mom forgot to buy our lunch tickets because she was too busy and on those days we skipped lunch. I was always leaving permission slips that needed to be signed on the counter, and would find them unsigned the next day.

NOTE: This isn't a sob story (because if it was it would be lame), I'm just trying to show you a different side to parenting.

My parents focused all of their time and energy growing their business. The same business that keeps both my husband and I employed today (and we are very grateful for that). My parents could afford all the toys I wanted, but my sister and I felt a little starved for attention. Most of my parents friends and family called my sister and I spoiled because my parents made up for their lack of attention with lots of "things". We were spoiled with toys, but we were not spoiled with a mother and father who did everything for us. Is the kid who is given lots of material things, but forced to learn things on their own really spoiled? Or is the kid who might not have a ton of material things but has a parent who smothers them and does not teach them how to do things for them self?

I think you can really "spoiling" a child by not preparing them for real life.

I never realized until recently that my parents purposely threw us out into the world, and didn't do things for us because they wanted us to learn. My mom and I talked about this recently, and it never occurred to me this was intentional; we always assumed they were just too busy.

I ended up becoming very self sufficient. I had to learn how to take care of myself, do laundry, make my own dinner, and be responsible because my mom and dad didn't do everything for me. I've had a job continually since I was sixteen years-old. I wasn't forced into working that young, I wanted to work. I saw what the product of hard work was and I wanted it. If I want something, I go for it, I don't want for it to be given to me. I can solve my own problems because I've always had to. I've seen others my age struggle with becoming a responsible adult. They don't know how to anything without the help of their parents, and it's definitely not because they were spoiled with lots of toys when they were children, it's because they were never given the opportunity to learn how to do things for themselves. These are the same children that get out of college with fancy degrees (while never having a job previously) and don't know what to do with themselves. Life is harsh, reality is harsh and introducing some of that harshness early on can prepare a child for the "real world". Note: I hate the term the "real world." My father used to constantly tell me that I knew nothing about the real world, and it drove my crazy.

While I want Carter to grow up self sufficient and not succumb to the woes of the world when he grows up, I find it's really hard to take that step back. He's only two so I think I'm allowed to baby him for now, but I know it's going to be hard for me when he gets older. I want to take away his pain all of the time. I want him to be happy and get everything he wants. I want to smother him with love and kisses and soothe him when he's sad for no reason. I want to do things for him the right way the first time so he doesn't have to make mistakes, but I know he has to. I don't want to watch him fall down and cry out of anger because the world jilted him. I want to run and kiss him and tell him everything is going to be okay, but I know I can't.
I think it's important to find that happy medium. While I can see why my parents made the decisions they did and I can appreciate it now, I've learned I don't have to sacrifice affection and spending time with my son to show him those same important life lessons. I want him to feel secure and loved at all times, even when he learns that life just isn't fair. I'll show him the way, but I definitely won't be doing it for him.

As of now, we don't have a babysitter (besides daycare). When Carter is not in daycare I very rarely ask someone to watch him and only when it is absolutely necessary. If I can bring my son, I do. It's very important for us to spend as much time as possible with him.

What are your thoughts on spoiling?



Thursday, November 17, 2011

Baby #2: 9 Weeks



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Sorry, no pictures of me this week because I am feeling fugly.


How Far Along: 9 weeks 5 days

Size of baby: The baby is about the size of an olive

Gender: Too early

Movement: Too early

What I miss: Nothing really

Cravings: Orange juice, pasta, Chicken Milanese from Angel Cafe

Symptoms: Just tired, a little nauseated, but otherwise I feel pretty good!

Best Moment of this week: We had another ultrasound today, and I'm so glad the doctor squeezed us in last minute. I couldn't wait two more weeks until my NT Scan. The baby was measuring two days ahead of the last ultrasound (yay!) he or she caught up! And we saw the baby moving! Want to see?? Isn't it amazing?



Milestones: We also got to hear the heartbeat today!! I was so surprised we could hear it this early. The heart was beating happily away at 156 bpm.

I was so happy today I cried. I just couldn't get through Thanksgiving without one more peak at our babe to make sure the he or she grew appropriately. I have been extra anxious the past few days for some reason, but when I saw everything was okay, I cried a little.

I go back from my NT Scan in two weeks. Think positive thoughts for me!







Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Guest Post from Drops of Motherhood!

My bloggity friend Jess and I did a guest post swap recently for fun. She is so kind and adorable and I know you'll love her. We originally bonded over both having had miscarriages (she lost her son's twin while pregnant) and she wanted some advice on starting her own blog. She's much better at getting blog followers and getting her blog noticed than I am. I need her advice from now! Our boys are also very close in age.

Here she goes!





Hey everyone! It’s Jess from Drops of Motherhood. I am so excited to be guest blogging here at Pretty Little Mommy Things today.

So I want to thank Michelle for not only being the main reason I started blogging but for also being such a great bloggity friend. :) She is amazing and I have enjoyed getting to know her.
 
& now to the guest post.

Today I want to talk about us moms. Mother, that such a strong word yet sometimes we are taken advantage of. I am the only child to a wonderful single mom and all I can think of is that I would be lost without my right hand man. I like to believe that I was a great child but then I look at Hayden and think if I was anything like that, that my mom must be one tough woman.
 

 How do you know if you’re ready to be a mom? Oh boy, I can remember the day I found out I was pregnant, it plays like a movie in my head.  I was 19 and told my boyfriend of only 6 months that I was pregnant, and pro life. To my surprise he said okay, were gonna do this. This was after he had told me that he never wanted children. I was so lucky to have such supportive family, friends and boyfriend. I had Hayden 2 weeks after my 20th birthday, best birthday present ever! I wouldn’t change a thing about any of it. I don’t think my life would be the same without with my little man. Would you do anything different? If you could, would you turn back the hands of time and chose a different path?

 


 Having given birth to a health baby boy, it pains me to see others who cannot conceive on their own. That’s why I have decided when I am a bit thinner and healthier I want to become a surrogate. I believe the greatest gift is being a mom not giving birth. I would love to give others the joy I feel when I look at Hayden. & I’m sure this is how many mothers feel.
 
Thanks so much for stopping by and make sure you come check out our crazy life at Drops of Motherhood.

Thanks Michelle for allowing me to guest post. :)





Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Baby #2: Week 8



How Far Along: 8 weeks 5 days 


Size of baby: The baby is about the size of a kidney bean.


Total Weight Gain/Loss: I haven't checked yet, I'm a little scared but I know most of it is bloat right now. I gained about 25 pounds with Carter, but never lost the last 8 pounds, so I'd like to gain less than 20...

Maternity Clothes: I'm rocking both my maternity clothes and everyday clothes. Truthfully, I still wore a few pairs of maternity pants even when not pregnant. What's wrong with a stretchy waist? It's hard to stop wearing those things after you have a baby.

Gender: Too early. I usually get a feeling one way or another for pregnant friends and family, but never for myself. We've had names picked for about a year now. Here's a hint, they both start with an O (boy and girl!).

Movement: Heck no.
Sleep: So far sleep is okay. I'm waking up just a bit more during the night to pee. (4 + times!)

What I miss: Wine. Why is it when I'm pregnant, I want to drink, but when I'm not pregnant I never want to drink? Want what you can't have much?

Cravings: I'm hungrier. You know that feeling where you haven't eaten ALL day and you are about to eat the most delicious meal of your life and you feel like you are so hungry you might die? I feel that way every day before lunch. I'm eating breakfast too. I need to start bringing some serious snacks to work.

Symptoms: Nausea that comes and goes, and utter fatigue.

Best Moment this week: Not pregnancy related, but cooking a nice big belated birthday dinner for my dad with Andy. We made a fall centerpiece for the table with cinnamon scented pine cones, and leaves, and cooked a ginormous dinner while listening to Christmas music. It was a great intro to the holiday season. Yippee.

What I'm looking forward to: Getting to the 2nd trimester and having my NT Scan on 12/1. I'm still living in a ball of nerves which I'm hoping will settle down when I have a good NT Scan. I haven't told most of the people I work with (except for friends) and I've only told some family. There's really no reason why I haven't except that I'm enjoying my little secret for now.
Milestones: Seeing the heartbeat last Thursday!

219 days to go.




Monday, November 7, 2011

The cuteness I call Carter..(LONG Carter update)

Did I seriously make him?! Does it get better than this?

I haven't done a post in a while about how much Carter is growing. He is such a little man now, I can't get over it. He surprises us on a daily basis with new words and phrases and makes us laugh on all the time. I'm going to give you a little bit of what he has been up to.

Words

Carter repeats virtually everything we say, and he is also putting sentences together and communicating with us. He is going through a "hot" and "cold" phase where he likes to point out the temperature of everything. If he touches food that is even slightly warm, he shrieks and drops it as if it's the hottest thing on the planet. He definitely knows how to throw on the dramatics (wonder where he gets that from?). He also knows to blow on his food if it's not the right temperature. He is fascinated with the sun, stars and moon. I told him one night that it gets dark and cold when the moon is out. The very next night we were outside and he pointed to the moon and said "there's the moooooon! It's dark out. Scury." And then he hugged himself and chattered his teeth and said "it's cooooold!" It's amazing that I can tell him something once now, and he remembers! For the longest time, I'd repeat something every single day for a yearbefore he'd repeat it, or start to say it.
The other day we were driving and after Andy sneezed, I heard a little "bless you" come from the back seat. I just about died it was so sweet. Carter is also very good about saying please and thank you.. He says sorry when he does something wrong, but never when prompted. If I ask him to say thank you or sorry to someone or to me, he just stares. Such a stubborn little guy, never wanting to do what someone tells him (hmm, also wonder where he got that from?). But if he bumps into me, or drops something, he'll just say loudly "soweee mommy!" and I melt. Carter's newest thing is pointing out emotions like when someone is "sad." We were reading a book about pumpkins this morning, and one of them had a frowny face which he pointed to and said "pumpkin is sad" and Carter looked very concerned.

You'd think that because he can repeat everything now he'd be repeating some not so good stuff too, but he isn't really. He did say sucks the other day a few times, but I don't know if he was trying to say something else, or if he was just babbling. We had a scare in San Francisco last week with what we thought were naughty words. We were driving, and we thought we heard Carter say the F and the B word and it caused us to gasp, but then we realized he was pointing out the bridge we were driving on and a nearby truck. His pronunciation isn't great yet, haha.

I did a freaky moment with him over the weekend though. I was catching up on a TV show while Carter was playing with his toys on the floor. There was a moment in the show where a woman was hit by a car and was lying on the ground (it was not graphic or gory). Carter looked up, pointed to the TV and said "she died, she died." And then went back to playing with his toys. I have NO idea how he knows what died means or what death is so I found that experience a little nerve inducing for me. I tried asking him, but he just said, very seriously, "she died" and that was it. Eeek.

It's really an amazing feeling to be able to communicate with him. If he has done something bad, I will explain to him what he did wrong, and end the conversation with an "Okay?" And he usually looks sad and says "Okay."

Discipline

It's SO hard, I hate to discipline him at all, but I know he needs to know he can't pinch people (I blame daycare) and not to dump full bottles of water on the couch, or draw on the walls, etc. As much as I want to give him everything he wants and for him to be happy every single moment of his life, it's not good for his development. We give him time outs in his little chair in the living room, but they really don't last long. If he does something he is not supposed to, I firmly tell him to go on time out and point to his chair. He'll usually pout, or laugh and go sit in the chair on his own (it actually kind of amazes me that he listens). I make him sit there for about a minute, explain why what he did was not okay, and then let him free. It's hard because he usually finds me hilarious when I'm trying to discipline him and it makes me angry. He doesn't find me scary or intimidating, which I don't really want, but I want him to take me seriously without having to spank. I refuse to spank my child. There is a book out there on the 1-2-3 something method that I might check out soon.

Rar.


Food

What does he eat you ask? He still has his usual favorite - cheese, but he is one picky little dude. There is very little he will eat. He loves chicken (only if it is plain, not seasoned, and not in a sauce). I sneak him some turkey deli meat and call it chicken so he'll eat it, and he seems to like that too. The only fruit he will eat are bananas and apples, but he does love them. He will not eat most pastas and rice. He will only eat spaghetti noodles (with a teeny bit of marinara sauce or plain) because I taught him how to suck the noodles up one by one and he thinks it's fun. If the pasta is in any other form, it's "yucky." Including mac n cheese. Carter normally likes plain white rice, again if it is colored or has touched a sauce or anything green, it is off limits. His food tastes vary from day to day. Some days I can get him to eat something different and he'll seem to like it, and when I try to get him to eat it another night, he'll turn his nose away in disgust. I stopped forcing him to try foods a looong time ago, and we will never force him again (even though it did work most of the time). He trusts me more when I ask him if he wants a bite, he says no, and I don't ask again and respect his answer. It's so frustrating to know he'll like something if he gives it a chance, and he refuses, but that's life! He drinks almond milk now, usually at night before he goes to sleep and at daycare. We went through a soy milk and an organic whole milk phase (both of which I've read can be bad for him in large quantities) so we threw our hands up and tried almond milk. He liked it. I've found reason to why everything I give my child is bad for him in someway. There's always a new study. Sigh.



Sleep

While we had made great progress getting Carter to sleep in his crib this year, the past few weeks have gone downhill. He completely refuses to sleep in his crib. I've tried the CIO (cry it out) method again, but I can only let him cry for so long before I cave (usually 45 minutes is my limit). We've tried moving him to his crib as soon as he's asleep (doesn't work. he wakes right up), putting on his favorite movie (doesn't work), and giving him a bottle (doesn't work, and yes a baby bottle). He's two. We've spoiled him for too long by letting him sleep with us and we've created a little co-sleeping monster. The truth is, it doesn't really bother us that much, except when he decides to kick us or sleep sideways in the night. We actually like co-sleeping half of the time, and the other half we hate it. We have a plan to give him an official toddler room in the next few months, and maybe we can get him down if he has a big boy bed. Who are we kidding, the bed has nothing to do it with it, but he just can't be sleeping in our room when the new baby comes along. It will not work.

A BIG scare we had the other day. Carter got knocked in the head by a lamp and had the scariest looking bump, EVER. All is well though.


What he's into
He still loves good ole Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but his 2nd favorite show is Wow Wow Wubbzy on Nick Jr. He loves cars, lego's, books, drawing, pretend cooking, rocks, parks, and pretend driving. I left my car door open in the garage the other day while I brought groceries in, and I turned away for two minutes and found him sitting in the drivers seat pretending to drive! He has quite the imagination already.

The Basics

I still haven't taken him in for his two year shots but plan to do that this week. I'm curious to find out his current height / weight. I'd guess he is around 27 pounds now, but I'm not sure. He wears size 24m clothes, finally (but still fits into some 12 - 18 month clothing). He has mild asthma and gets a case of bronchitis whenever he gets a cold (just like me), and we have a permanent nebulizer in our home that he does breathing treatments on when that happens. Poor dude. Ever since we started giving him gummy vitamins a year ago, he doesn't get sick very often which we love. He still wears size 4 diapers. I have a feeling we will skip size 5 altogether (hoping he will be potty trained by then).

He's still in the same daycare, but I plan to take him out two weeks after I have this baby, and stay at home with him and the new babe for 10 weeks (am I nuts?!). When I go back to work, I'll put Carter into Preschool as he will be three and eligible. Most of the preschools I've looked at are a little bit cheaper than daycare. Hopefully I can work out an arrangement so the baby won't have to go to daycare right away just like I did with Carter. Carter didn't start daycare until he was 1, I have no idea how we managed that, but we did.


Potty Training

We have a baby potty and the baby toilet seat that fits on a regular toilet. Whenever I put him on the potty (usually before bath time), he does pee it, but we really haven't pushed him yet. I don't think he is truly ready. Daycare is recommending I wait until he's 2 1/2 - 3, but we don't plan on waiting that long. I'm thinking we'll start really trying in January, and hope to have him completely potty trained at 2 1/2. The good thing about these kids being spaced out almost 3 years, is I'll only have one in diapers at any one time. Yay!

This is the longest update in the world. If you read the entire thing, you are amazing, thank you!




Thursday, November 3, 2011

First Ultrasound

Today was the big day for us, and my nerves were at an all time high. Seeing as the last ultrasound I had to check on my growing baby resulted in no heartbeat (in February), I couldn't bear the thought of laying on that table while the tech searched for a heartbeat. I wanted to burst into tears just walking into the room.

But, I lived through it and everything looked great! The baby had a "very strong" heartbeat at 160 bpm, and the flicker was clearly there. It took the tech a minute to get there, he casually showed me my uterus, the gestational sac, etc and all I could think about was get to the baby, get to the baby! He even gave us a DVD of the ultrasound to take home. Neaat.

Now, based on my LMP, I should have been 7 weeks 6 days today however I was charting and I knew I ovulated two days late. I was expecting the baby to possibly measure 2 days behind because of this, but the baby was measuring 4 days behind, at 7 weeks 2 days. The tech wasn't concerned at all and said all babies grow at a different rate and I probably ovulated / implanted later than I thought. I know I definitely ovulated two days late, so the baby is only measuring two days behind this and the tech acted as if it was nothing to be remotely concerned about so I'm trying not to be. The good news is that we have a strong heartbeat and the baby looks great so far (just one!). My next ultrasound is not until Dec. 1st when I'll be getting my 1st Trimester screen around 12 weeks. I don't know how I'll manage until then, but I'll find a way.

For some reason, I just want to burst into tears. I know it's probably the hormones, and I can't tell if they are happy tears or nervous tears, but I just want to cry. I can't emotionally handle losing another baby. I just can't. Pregnancy after loss is so different (and I'm sure those pregnant after dealing with infertility feel similar). I'm going to go home tonight and pop the DVD of the ultrasound in my computer and just cry. I need to let it all out.

We are so thrilled about this pregnancy and I am trying to manage my fears daily. Each day that passes, it gets better and I know in another month or so I will let all the nerves go. I am happy I had a good appointment. I am grateful I am here. I am grateful we have a strong little baby bean growing inside me right now. And that is all I can possibly ask for.


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Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Halloween!

We celebrated Carter's 3rd official Halloween yesterday. Isn't that crazy? He's been around for three whole Halloweens now. Soo yea, last night... We grabbed a quick bite at my parents house, and just like last year my mom insisted we take him to a few houses in her neighborhood before heading out tricking or treating elsewhere. The houses are way too far apart to go trick or treating in their neighborhood so we always end up taking Carter somewhere else.





Carter was Brobie from Yo Gabba Gabba. He was adorable. My favorite part were the other little kids getting excited and shouting out "Brobie!" when they saw him. He did really well, except he wanted to take a minute to decide which piece of candy to take and I think it bugged the other kids waiting behind him for candy.






Carter also insisted on waving and yelling "bye, bye" to each person who gave him candy. I just wanted to squish him he was so cute.




Monday, October 31, 2011

The wait is driving me crazy!

My first ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday at 9am. Andy is definitely coming with me this time. In fact, I have this fear about going alone to any ultrasound now after losing Rose. I went to that appointment alone.

My new doctor has a fancy ultrasound tech with a machine come in every Thursday so he only does ultrasounds on this day. The plus side is the equipment is nicer so I'll be getting an abdominal ultrasound and I won't have to be probed with the wand. Yay! The negative side is that he wanted me to have my 1st ultrasound last Thursday but because I had to go to San Fran for work, we had to put if off a week. I could have done it the week before my trip, but I would have only been 5 weeks, 6 days I didn't want to worry myself if we didn't see anything that early so we put it off a week. I'll be one day shy of 8 weeks for my appointment.

With my last two pregnancies, I did not have an NT scan at 12 weeks. My previous doctor didn't find it necessary because I wasn't high risk, but left it up to me and I decided not to. My reasoning was if they found anything wrong with the baby AT ALL, I would never terminate the pregnancy. Even if my child would never have a chance at life, I would carry my baby as long as I possibly could.

My doctor is requiring my to get an NT Scan this time at 12 weeks, and I am relieved. I lost Rose just shy of 14 weeks, and had they done an NT Scan, we might have known a bit earlier that things were not looking good because my fluid was low. It wouldn't have changed the outcome, but hearing all is well at my scan at 12 weeks this time will bring me peace of mind.

But I'm going to stop thinking about the past and the "what if's" and focus on the positive. Right now, I know I'm pregnant. I have an ultrasound scheduled for Thursday and we have no reason to believe this pregnancy isn't going to result in a healthy baby. I've had no spotting, no intense cramping (besides that first week), and I have symptoms of pregnancy. The biggest symptom for me is the fatigue and nausea, but it's not that bad for now. For the most part, I feel okay.

I had a Doppler I used when pregnant with Carter, I believe we first found the heartbeat around 10 weeks. I really want to get one for this pregnancy and will probably start shopping for one this weekend assuming my appointment goes well (I need to stop saying that!).

Ooh, and my mom had a reading with a psychic recently and the psychic asked my mom who was pregnant, and my mom said I was, and then the psychic brought up twins and asked if they ran in the family. She said she saw a boy and a girl. I really don't think I'm having twins, although there's always the thought before you know for sure you only have one baking. Twins don't really run in the family, but there were a pair of them a few generations back on my moms side. The chances are extremely low given we were not on any kind of fertility meds, but hey, you never know.

Hopefully I'll have a nice happy update for you on Thursday.

Oh and Happy Halloween! We will be Trick Or Treating tonight, hopefully I'll be back tomorrow with pictures.

Michelle


Sunday, October 23, 2011

More details



Can I tell you how much I love my doctor? I'm really happy I switched to him after I lost Rose. He took such good care of me where I felt my previous doctor kind of left me hanging. He has been so supportive and helpful these past 8 months or so. When he found out I had called to make an appointment because I had gotten a positive pregnancy test, he called me himself to congratulate me and ask me how I was feeling.

Charting has been really helpful for me, I feel like I have a different understanding of my body and my cycles. I actually couldn't stop charting after I found out I was pregnant; I kept taking my temperature every single day that eventually I had to hide my thermometer from myself so I wouldn't worry unnecessarily if my temperature happened to drop one day.

I wrote the following after I ovulated to keep track of how I felt everyday and even came up with some zany theory about my cycles. For anyone actively TTC, I thought you might be interested. I wrote this before finding out I was pregnant:

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1 dpo - Nothing, still not sure if I have O'd, waiting on another temp spike to let me know.


2 dpo - Woo hoo, BIG temp spike, and much higher temps overall from my previous two months of charting. Lower dull backache, and some light cramping.

3 dpo - Cross hairs, it's official, I have O'd! Always an exciting day. I have slightly sore bbs, could be progesterone, and am SO fatigued today. Have zero energy. Could also be progesterone symptoms.

4 dpo - definitely sore bbs, some AF cramps, really emotional and stressed day, hormones are wacky. Some random sharp pains in my abdomen, very painful.

5 dpo - still sore bbs, definitely more sore than the previous days, still light crampy feeling, a little spaced out, can't remember words. Some nausea while brushing my teeth this morning, almost gagged. SUPER EMOTIONAL.

6 dpo - slightly sore bbs.

7 dpo - slightly sore bbs, maybe some bloating?

8 dpo - some light cramping, sore bbs again, irritable. Think I have the faintest of faint lines on a FRER.

I'm starting to get a theory. After our loss in February, my first AF came mid March, and my first O was during the first week of April, we did not "try" this month. The 1st real month of trying came in May, BFN. June, my 2nd month I had very, very light lines on my wondfo pregnancy strips at 11 dpo, and AF came right on time, chemical pregnancy. Third month trying was July and we started charting, BFN. My O temps were very, very low (much lower than the following months) and I realized I was ovulating on CD 17 not CD 14 so my prior two months of trying were probably very off on our BD days. 2nd month of charting, August, I had a really weak O. My temps climbed very slowly, and I think I may have been a day off on my O date. I think we had a weak little egg, and a weak corpus luteam that didn't secret enough progesterone. So now I'm on my 3rd month of charting, and with the nice temp spike I had, and knowing I had a beautiful little follicle to release and a nice lining, I think my body is ready to go, we just need conception to take place. So basically I think we have a really good chance this month. Come on Universe!

____________________________________________


I think my symptoms weren't too different than any old month of TTC except for my emotions. They were seriously out of whack. I lost a customer who I've had for 5 years to another agency who had done something a little shady to write the account and I was SO upset. I should be used to it, this is part of what I do and it happens all the time (except I do business the honest way). I cried so hard in my office that my co-workers thought I was nuts. One even guessed I was pregnant because of how emotional I was acting. I like to do things the right way, and when someone else lies to get ahead and succeed, it really angers me. Luckily for me, karma exists and though they may succeed now, they won't in the end. Obviously I'm still upset over that one.

Right now, I can't stop my feelings of fear. What if something happens because I keep thinking it's going to happen? I know that sounds ridiculous.

Just trying to take it one day at a time. I've had waves of nausea come and go, serious fatigue, and my boobs hurt insanely bad but so far I feel okay, very normalish which also gets me freaking out. But knowing I felt like death when I was pregnant with Rose, and we lost her, I know that having symptoms don't equal a healthy pregnant.

Here is a picture of my BFP at 8 dpo, can you see it? I could, I'm a pro.

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Later that day:

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My FRER progression:

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My Wondfo progression:

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And the most recent FRER I took a few days ago:

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The faint line in this one is the control, not the test line. Stick baby stick!










Friday, October 21, 2011

I've been keeping a secret

And I really suck at secret keeping. So here goes:


I'm 6 weeks along today. I know some prefer to hold on to their news until 12 weeks, but seeing as I am very open with my previous miscarriage and TTC journey, I don't mind sharing this so early. The Facebook announcement will definitely wait.

I found out on October 3rd (at only 8 dpo) it was honestly really surprising because I had become so accoustomed to seeing negative tests that my mouth literally dropped open when a faint 2nd line appeared. I saw faint second lines that early with my pregnancy with Carter and with Rose so seeing a line gave me a good feeling. With the chemical pregnancy I had in June, I didn't see a super faint line until 11 dpo, and it never darkened. And you can be sure I've taken a million tests since then and they all have been super dark. I actually took one the other day and the test line was so dark the control line was barely visible.

I had my first beta test on October 11th at 16 dpo, it came back at 247. My 2nd beta test on October 13th came back at 751 with a doubling time of 33 hours. That definitely gave me some relief, but naturally I'm still on pins and needles and consumed with fear. My 1st ultrasound is on November 3rd, (TWO MORE WEEKS AWAY), normally he does them at 6 weeks, but I'll be out of town when he originally wanted me to do it (next week). I might try to work it in sooner. I just want to make sure this bub is in the proper place and has a heartbeat.

So until then I'll be cautious.happy.scared.excited.worried.hopeful and terrified. Sounds about right.

And while I know this is good day for me, this might the source of someone's bad day. I'm sending so much love and strength to you ladies trying to conceive out there.

Xo,