Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Feeling funky

I'm in a funk today. I am 10 dpo, which I know is pretty accurate given I'm charting. I feel pretty naive for saying I was a certain day past ovulation before charting because there really isn't anyway to know for sure unless you are charting. Anyways..

10 dpo, and a negative test. What does this mean? A. It's just too early, B. I'm not pregnant. I don't know what is going on with my body but I'm starting to get freaked out. I know 6 months isn't that long to try, but something.doesn't.feel.right. You know? I made an appointment to see my OB tomorrow. I need to move along and have some testing done. Before my D&C, I didn't have a problem getting pregnant. I mean, it was too easy and I know it pissed some people off. I was lucky, and I knew it. With my daughter, we tried once, and BAM it happened. And I don't mean once as in one cycle, I mean once as in we did the deed one time around ovulation. I know, it's okay to hate. I hate me too.

And now, I'm here. I've spent way too much time on Google researching Asherman's Syndrome - if you've had a D&C, don't do click this! It's scary, I mean really scary. Basically, it's possible having a D&C procedure can cause infertility in small percentages because they can scrape your lining so much that it just doesn't grow back preventing the little embryo from sticking. And then I get to thinking that I know one month conception occurred - but implantation did not because of the faint + tests, and then AF arriving a few days later. Now I feel like a freak for thinking about all of this and getting ahead of myself. I'm sure I'm just paranoid. (Please God). I hope everything is okay. I hope I have a HSG and they find something minor, maybe a by product of my miscarriage still lingering that is preventing me from getting pregnant, and they clean it out - and boom, pregnant. Or really, I hope I am pregnant right now, and it's just too early. Which is actually a possibility but given I've had + tests at 10 dpo before, I secretly expect to know by now, even though the date you get a + can vary each pregnancy - which is what I tell myself when I don't see a + by 10 dpo.

And I know I'm really jumping the gun here, but sometimes I'm really scared. I'm scared that I won't ever be able to get pregnant again. I'm scared that Carter will always been an only child. I'm scared I'll never get to experience pregnancy again or having a newborn again. I'm scared I'll never see two beautiful lines on a pregnancy test again. I'm scared that I'll never get to make a decision on birthing again, or nursery decor. I'm scared I'll never get to breastfeed again. I'm just scared. I mean, if I knew having Carter was my one and only chance, would I have done anything differently? Would I have savored each and every moment that much more?

Already, I have friends and family who unknowingly have made comments about me having a difficult time getting pregnant, or struggling with fertililty. Am I really there yet? Isn't still early?  I have also found those same people acting more "sensitive" to that subject around me. Maybe it's due to my loss, maybe it's because I'm not yet pregnant I don't know, but I don't like it. I mean I don't want them to say insensitive things to be, but I don't want people to have act all weird about it. It makes me feel broken, and I don't want to feel broken so just treat me normally. Thanks.

I also find it really hard to respond when a stranger (or business associate / client) asks when we're having a second child. What do I say? I had one and then I lost it and now I can't get pregnant? How do you politely say that? I've just been responding with "hopefully soon" and that seems to work.

I do know one thing for certain, if and when it does happen again, I'm really, really going to appreciate it so much more. I mean, I always appreciated it, but I'm REALLY going to appreciate it because who knows if and when it'll happen again. I'm not going to question whether it is too soon for another. I'm not going to bitch and moan when I have to wake up 5+ times in the night to pee or to feed my screaming newborn (okay, maybe just a little).

Like I said, women have been trying for years, and here I am whining that I'm barren because it's been 6 months of trying. And that makes me feel really crappy. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't change the way I'm feeling.

And the worst part is? Everything has to be a damn race for me. I feel like I have to hurry up and get pregnant so I can join my friends / bloggers who are also pregnant. Or I have to get pregnant quickly because the women I knew who had babies around the same time I did are already pregnant or have had their 2nd. Isn't that crazy? In some weird subconscious way, I'm comparing myself to them. Women I don't even know who had babies months after me are already pregnant, and I'm freaking out because too much time is passing and maybe I'm abnormal in some way because my kids will be further apart in age then theirs. It's nuts. Even when I was pregnant with Carter, I would compare myself to celebrites who were pregnant at the same time, and I would be SO envious of anyone who was due before me. I remember being slightly jealous of other women on my message boards because my due date with Carter was at the end of September, and most of them were due before me, and further along than I was. I always felt inferior. When they were 6 weeks, I was just finding out I was pregnant and would think "I can't WAIT to be at least 6 weeks and I finally feel really pregnant." And then 6 weeks would come, and I'd say "man, 6 weeks is nothing, some of these women are 9-10 weeks, WOW, when I'm 9-10 weeks I'll feel much more pregnant like they are.." And the endless cycle continued until the babies were born, and the jealously increased much more because I was still pregnant and they had their babies. But as soon as Carter popped out - I yearned for being pregnant again. I missed it. And then I was secretly jealous of everyone who was still pregnant. It's a vicious cycle, really.

But I am stopping all that crap. This isn't a race. I'm in no hurry. Yes, I want another child and when he / she decides to make her presence, that will be okay with me. When it happens for me, it will be my time and my journey. It doesn't matter how many weeks / months / days I'm behind anyone or how far apart my kids will be compared to someone elses, because this is about ME, not them. This is my family, not theirs.

Sorry for this longish rant, just having some revelations. I'm going to try this whole patience this out - you know, after I go to the doctor and have a bunch of tests done to ease my mind. It's ok if it takes a while, I just want to know I'm ok.


RedusRN said...

I wish I had wise words for you. Just know that I'm rooting fou you, and your little guy is still that..little!! My son is going to be 2 mom shy of 7yrs old when my next baby is due. Not how I planned it, but there are advantages to having them a bit apart. The one on one time Carter is getting is invaluable!!! I am so grateful for all the extra time I gave my son as the "only" child. Not implying that you would have to wait that long! My husband and I were finishing up with our degrees and kept putting it off! Sorry for the long reply! Hang in there!!

Amy said...

I think it's great that you're no longer comparing yourself to others or trying to win the race. It's hard, believe me, I know, but it's important to embrace your own journey. It's cliche, but true: things happen when they're supposed to happen and one day you'll look back on this and realize that.

Natassia said...

I just come across your blog and it has interested me. We have one son and have been trying for about 6 months as well. I had a miscarriage and DNC before our son, and we got pregnancy right away with noth. Now I can't understand what is going on. Anyway, you said it's been 6 months (and maybe that's not that long) but I wanted to say that I understand! It feels like forever. Good luck to you! Hang in there! I know God has a plan for us and for you guys too!!