Monday, September 12, 2011

On grief

With the 10 year anniversary of September 11, 2001 passing us, and immersing myself in the TV specials and tributes, I heard something about grief that really resonated with me and I wanted to share.

One of the September 11th widows was asked about that age-old saying of "time heals all," and the interviewer asked her if it really did, and she said no. This is something I find myself saying often in regards to my loss. I often say to others in my similar situation that I wish I could tell you time heals, but it doesn't. Not that I'm comparing my loss to anyone who lost a loved one on September 11th, I've cried many tears for all of those lost on that day. I only found this grief reference comforting to me.

This particular widow referenced the Nicole Kidman movie "The Rabbit Hole" in regards to grief, and it rang true for me. She compared losing a loved one to having a brick in your pocket at all times. Some days it's all you can think about, some days it's not as noticeable and but in the end, it's always there.

Here is the entire except:


Becca (Nicole Kidman) has been numb with grief since Danny, her 4-year-old, was killed by a car. Now, eight months later, her mother, Nat (Dianne West) — whose son, Becca’s brother, died at 30 — is helping Becca to put away, finally, the little boy’s things.

Int. basement — day

Becca and Nat carry the milk crates of Danny’s stuff down to the basement, and put them in the corner with a few other things Becca has put aside.

Becca stands there, taking it in. Danny’s been reduced to a small corner of stuff in the basement. She lets out a breath, then turns to her mother.

BECCA: Does it ever go away?

NAT: What.

BECCA: This feeling.

They lock eyes. Nat can see she actually wants an answer. Maybe for the first time ever.

NAT: No. I don’t think it does. Not for me, it hasn’t. And that’s goin’ on 11 years.


It changes, though.


NAT: I don’t know. The weight of it, I guess. At some point it becomes bearable. It turns into something you can crawl out from under, and carry around — like a brick in your pocket. And you forget it every once in a while, but then you reach in for whatever reason and there it is: “Oh, right. That.” Which can be awful. But not all the time. Sometimes it’s kinda ... not that you like it exactly, but it’s what you have instead of your son, so you don’t wanna let go of it either. So you carry it around. And it doesn’t go away, which is ...

BECCA: What.

NAT: Fine ... actually.


Andy and I watched this movie but I found it hard to watch and remember this scene although it sat differently with me this weekend when I heard it again. It is a good movie, but very, very depressing.

Just wanted to share ...