Feeling funky

I'm in a funk today. I am 10 dpo, which I know is pretty accurate given I'm charting. I feel pretty naive for saying I was a certain day past ovulation before charting because there really isn't anyway to know for sure unless you are charting. Anyways..

10 dpo, and a negative test. What does this mean? A. It's just too early, B. I'm not pregnant. I don't know what is going on with my body but I'm starting to get freaked out. I know 6 months isn't that long to try, but something.doesn't.feel.right. You know? I made an appointment to see my OB tomorrow. I need to move along and have some testing done. Before my D&C, I didn't have a problem getting pregnant. I mean, it was too easy and I know it pissed some people off. I was lucky, and I knew it. With my daughter, we tried once, and BAM it happened. And I don't mean once as in one cycle, I mean once as in we did the deed one time around ovulation. I know, it's okay to hate. I hate me too.

And now, I'm here. I've spent way too much time on Google researching Asherman's Syndrome - if you've had a D&C, don't do click this! It's scary, I mean really scary. Basically, it's possible having a D&C procedure can cause infertility in small percentages because they can scrape your lining so much that it just doesn't grow back preventing the little embryo from sticking. And then I get to thinking that I know one month conception occurred - but implantation did not because of the faint + tests, and then AF arriving a few days later. Now I feel like a freak for thinking about all of this and getting ahead of myself. I'm sure I'm just paranoid. (Please God). I hope everything is okay. I hope I have a HSG and they find something minor, maybe a by product of my miscarriage still lingering that is preventing me from getting pregnant, and they clean it out - and boom, pregnant. Or really, I hope I am pregnant right now, and it's just too early. Which is actually a possibility but given I've had + tests at 10 dpo before, I secretly expect to know by now, even though the date you get a + can vary each pregnancy - which is what I tell myself when I don't see a + by 10 dpo.

And I know I'm really jumping the gun here, but sometimes I'm really scared. I'm scared that I won't ever be able to get pregnant again. I'm scared that Carter will always been an only child. I'm scared I'll never get to experience pregnancy again or having a newborn again. I'm scared I'll never see two beautiful lines on a pregnancy test again. I'm scared that I'll never get to make a decision on birthing again, or nursery decor. I'm scared I'll never get to breastfeed again. I'm just scared. I mean, if I knew having Carter was my one and only chance, would I have done anything differently? Would I have savored each and every moment that much more?

Already, I have friends and family who unknowingly have made comments about me having a difficult time getting pregnant, or struggling with fertililty. Am I really there yet? Isn't still early?  I have also found those same people acting more "sensitive" to that subject around me. Maybe it's due to my loss, maybe it's because I'm not yet pregnant I don't know, but I don't like it. I mean I don't want them to say insensitive things to be, but I don't want people to have act all weird about it. It makes me feel broken, and I don't want to feel broken so just treat me normally. Thanks.

I also find it really hard to respond when a stranger (or business associate / client) asks when we're having a second child. What do I say? I had one and then I lost it and now I can't get pregnant? How do you politely say that? I've just been responding with "hopefully soon" and that seems to work.

I do know one thing for certain, if and when it does happen again, I'm really, really going to appreciate it so much more. I mean, I always appreciated it, but I'm REALLY going to appreciate it because who knows if and when it'll happen again. I'm not going to question whether it is too soon for another. I'm not going to bitch and moan when I have to wake up 5+ times in the night to pee or to feed my screaming newborn (okay, maybe just a little).

Like I said, women have been trying for years, and here I am whining that I'm barren because it's been 6 months of trying. And that makes me feel really crappy. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't change the way I'm feeling.

And the worst part is? Everything has to be a damn race for me. I feel like I have to hurry up and get pregnant so I can join my friends / bloggers who are also pregnant. Or I have to get pregnant quickly because the women I knew who had babies around the same time I did are already pregnant or have had their 2nd. Isn't that crazy? In some weird subconscious way, I'm comparing myself to them. Women I don't even know who had babies months after me are already pregnant, and I'm freaking out because too much time is passing and maybe I'm abnormal in some way because my kids will be further apart in age then theirs. It's nuts. Even when I was pregnant with Carter, I would compare myself to celebrites who were pregnant at the same time, and I would be SO envious of anyone who was due before me. I remember being slightly jealous of other women on my message boards because my due date with Carter was at the end of September, and most of them were due before me, and further along than I was. I always felt inferior. When they were 6 weeks, I was just finding out I was pregnant and would think "I can't WAIT to be at least 6 weeks and I finally feel really pregnant." And then 6 weeks would come, and I'd say "man, 6 weeks is nothing, some of these women are 9-10 weeks, WOW, when I'm 9-10 weeks I'll feel much more pregnant like they are.." And the endless cycle continued until the babies were born, and the jealously increased much more because I was still pregnant and they had their babies. But as soon as Carter popped out - I yearned for being pregnant again. I missed it. And then I was secretly jealous of everyone who was still pregnant. It's a vicious cycle, really.

But I am stopping all that crap. This isn't a race. I'm in no hurry. Yes, I want another child and when he / she decides to make her presence, that will be okay with me. When it happens for me, it will be my time and my journey. It doesn't matter how many weeks / months / days I'm behind anyone or how far apart my kids will be compared to someone elses, because this is about ME, not them. This is my family, not theirs.

Sorry for this longish rant, just having some revelations. I'm going to try this whole patience this out - you know, after I go to the doctor and have a bunch of tests done to ease my mind. It's ok if it takes a while, I just want to know I'm ok.

Saturday, Sunday & Photoshop

Hi Folks!

Other than being unusually lazy, I'm loving this Labor Day Weekend! Yesterday evening we met up with friends at my new favorite hang-out the M Cafe (or Malibu Cafe). We had a beautiful spot with a fire pit; ate s'mores, drank wine, and chit chatted. I'd say it was an almost perfect evening minus having to chase Carter all around and put up with a few tantrums (is this what two is like?)

Oh wait look, I was there too!

This morning we went to our local Farmers Market with Carter in tow, and did our usual errands (by the way, don't you just love his little Batman shirt?!).

Have you noticed my pictures are extra pretty lately? I finally have Photoshop! And I can't keep off of it, in fact I'm a little worried I'm doing too much editing to my photos just because it's so much fun.

Tonight I'm headed to a wedding for my co-worker and dear friend Samantha. She gave me the ok to bring my DSLR so I hope to get some pretty pictures to share with you tomorrow. Sorry for all the picture heavy posts lately, I can't stop!


Xo,

Ramblings

I have a lot going on at work and at home lately so instead of writing one long blog post, I'm just going to give you an individual update on different areas of my life.




Picture found here.



Work. Has been very hectic lately, one day I'll do a post on what I do, but quickly, I am a Commercial Transportation Insurance Broker, specializing in taxicabs and non-emergency medical transportation companies all over the United States. I've been a licensed insurance broker since 2006, and I am licensed in about 30 states. My clients mean the world to me, really.






Can I get some privacy please? I'm on the potty.


Carter. His 2nd birthday is RIGHT around the corner, eek! There is so much more planning that needs to be done. I'm trying to get him reved up about it, and I think he sort of gets it now. He keeps saying paree, paree (for party). And he also says Mickey now so that should make things a little more fun. He also counted to TEN on Tuesday for the first time ever. I've been practicing with him daily and I knew he had it in him. He just needed a little help from Daddy, and he did it!

My current chart from Fertility Friend. Maybe triphasic?! Too early.

TTC. Well, I'm officially on cycle #5. Today I'm 5 dpo, I plan on testing next week. My hopes are always high but not high enough that I'll be crushed if it doesn't work out. We used Preseed this month, I thought we'd give it a try - can't hurt right? I'm spending way too much time talking to people who are TTC, and I have to say, I really, really enjoy the topic. I would love to have a career coaching people on the subject. Someone was actually encouraging me to do this the other day because I helped them out so much. Isn't that cool? A fertility therapist? Do they exist? Another friend called me "the baby whisperer," haha. If you are TTC I will sniff you out and talk to you about it (wait, that didn't sound right). I also LOVE Fertility Friend, I'm so glad I invested in that membership. I love the women on the forums because they are just as crazy as I am.

Amy, me, Laura, Roxanne at my baby shower in August 2009.

Friends. Amy, one of my best friends from high school is pregnant! And it's no longer a secret so I can talk about it. She blogs over at Dandelion Paperweight. Amy has also been guest posting on Spearmint Baby every Wednesday for a while now, read her entire journey here. I'm so excited! I'm going to make her let me take pictures of that growing belly of hers, and the baby when he/she comes. I can't wait..

One of my favorite pictures ever.

Photography. I have Photoshop now peeps! Which means I can do SO much more with my pictures. The next thing I want to get am getting is the The Original Totally Rad Action Mix. It's super pricey but they make your pictures drool worthy, literally. I have a bunch of free actions I downloaded, but these are just to.die.for.

Picture found here.

Weekend. It's a THREE day weekend and I'm stoked. Saturday night I'm going back to the Malibu Cafe with some friends for drinks (or lemonade) and appetizers. It's the most beautiful place on earth in my opinion. Sunday I'm going to a wedding for my friend (and co-worker) Samantha's big day. I'm also planning a BBQ on Labor Day at my parents house assuming they'll let me. I hope to swim, relax and cook up a storm. It should be a beautiful weekend and give me an opportunity to take a ton of pictures I can play with in Photoshop.

So that's whats up people.

TTC Readings

I need something to amuse myself during this horrid two week-wait, right?

Last week I read about Eternity Tarot Card Readings and decided to give it a go. They were doing free readings but it got out of hand and they couldn't keep up so they decided to charge $5. I'm kinda thankful because they were running 60 days behind on the free readings, and after I paid my $5, I had a reading done in three days. I'm not very patient so that works for me. They also do pregnancy readings if you are currently expecting and are into that.

Here is the reading I recieved last night:



Hello Michelle,



Thank you for allowing me to connect with your energies. I am about to look at your cards in regards to your TTC journey. I hope they resonate well to you.


As I tune into you, I'm seeing a lot of walls that you have built up as a result of some rough things that have happened to you. Something has happened to you that has messed with your ability to feel secure and now you feel a bit unstable. I'm seeing a bit of pain and anxiety through your TTC process thus far. You are being asked by the cards to break down these walls you have put up. Once you do this, you can free yourself from this pain. It will be a difficult and painful process, but I assure you, Michelle, it will free you and will be worth it in the end.


I'm seeing that this journey of moving forward involves leaving something behind, and that this is very hard for you. However, I see that you are headed towards a much better position in your life. I see you dwelling on the past quite a bit, and this is exactly what the cards are asking you to stop doing. The more you let go of the past, the better you will be able to move forward. I see some depression and fatigue for you. You are getting by, but only by just a bit. You need to help yourself, and make these changes in your life to better YOU. I am also now sensing that something is a little out of balance. Have you been to the doctor and gotten tests done? I'm seeing a lot of stress and tension in your life as a result of this imbalance.
In regards to the baby who is waiting to make you a mother, I am picking up on a BOY connected to the months of JULY/AUGUST. This could be conception, birth or BFP timing. The number 6 repeats throughout your spread so keep your eyes open to see if this applies to conception dates, testing dates or due dates.Your son tells me that he has tried to come to you before, but indicates that if he had, something would have been thrown off in your life. Your son is very sensitive and I am picking up on an old soul. He is very loving and is a good listener. He is always calm in crisis and always willing to help. I see him doing something in the field of law or medicine. He is very intelligent. You will find him to be the peace maker in your house. He really does love to take care of people.
In regards to your pregnancy, I'm seeing a doctor. This could mean that you will need a doctor's help in getting pregnant, or that you will need to see a doctor more often when you are pregnant. I'm seeing you really wanting to do things the same way you did them for your last pregnancy and having a trouble dealing with any sort of change. You expect and want things to go the same way. I also see your child acting out a bit while you are pregnant. This will cause a little bit of a headache for you.
When I turn my attention to other children, I'm seeing another boy coming your way after this boy. He is associated with the season of Autumn, but keep in mind that the further away an event is, the less accurate the cards become.
I hope you enjoyed your reading. Feel free to email me with feedback or questions by putting REPLY KIMBERLY in the subject. Please keep me posted on your journey. I always love hearing about pregnancy from my clients, whether or not it happens as the cards predicted. I wish you all the best in your journey.


<3 Kimberly


Wishing you love and light!


Eternity Tarot Readings


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And here is my reading from Cheri22 that I had done in July:


BOY - AUGUST so this is either birth month, conceive month or the month you find out in



When it comes to your son, hes someone who is always going to be kind. he tries to say the right thing. Hes always the type of person w ho is always going to expect good things to happen and will always work towards that. Not wanting to disappoint anyone, often agrees to more things that he can handle. I think that you will find him to slow it down a bit, and then realizes how to make things more organized. Hes someone who is often going to see the good in people and an excellent judge of character. Often surrounding himself with like minded people. Always the one that has a few best friends (both male and female). I am seeing him as someone who is not afraid to try something and find out later it sucks. Often able to laugh at his own mistakes as he learns what he wants out of life.


When it comes to your son, I am seeing him as someone who tries hard, is someone who is often very observant and really does understand what is expected from him. He is always trying to live up to the expectations that not only are put on him, but ones that he puts on himself. You will find him to always enjoy meeting new people. Hes calm mannered person and willing to give everyone a chance. I would consider him to be someone who is motivated and wanting others to see what they are capable of. The one that people seem to turn to when they want sound advice.


When it comes career paths, they show him linked to working in a sales related position. I do believe that he is good at his job because he tells you the truth. He would only deal with things that he knows/trusts, and people can see that in him.


When it comes to marriage I am seeing him closer to 28. They will have one girl and one boy of their own.


Let me know if you have any questions


Best Wishes


Cheri

 http://www.cheri22.com



Now I don't put too much stock onto either of these readings, but I do find some interesting similarities. They both are telling me August and boy. August doesn't necessarily mean birth month, it can be conception month, or the month you find out in. If we do concieve this cycle, our conception month will be August. Or we could concieve in November, and be due in August. Only time will tell.

I did relate more to the Eternity Tarot Card reading, but I feel like she eluded to me having diffculties concieving and a difficult pregnancy which is a little scary. She also said that I'm having a boy (and another boy - THREE boys?!), and that this boy tried to come before but the time wasn't right. I miscarried my baby girl in February so that was confusing, but then I remembered that chemical pregnancy I had in June. Maybe..?

In any case, it was just for fun!

I want to be a better photographer

Really, I do. I wish I absorbed more in the 4+ photography classes I've taken in my lifetime, but I didn't. I'm happy that I'm finally taking the time to learn and grow my hobby. I'm not looking to be a professional, but I want to take pictures like a professional. My next step is purchasing Photoshop. As much as I love Lightroom, it just doesn't compare to Photoshop at all. I'm hoping I can swing that purchase in the next few week. I'd like to take another Photoshop class to refresh my memory too.

I'm also hoping to upgrade my DSLR in the coming year to something a bit more advanced. Any recommendations? I'm toying with switching to Nikon, although I do love my precious Canon.
For now, I'm just practicing, practicing, practicing. I miss the days when Carter was an immobile subject. Nowadays, I can't get him to sit still, let alone look at the camera, or (gasp) smile. I really want to practice on someone or something that I can get to sit still. Any volunteers?

In any case, I snapped a few pictures this weekend during the 10 minute window I spent outdoors because it was so insanely hot and humid, here you are:

This one is my favorite from August for The Paper Mama challenge this week.

Not a smile, but at least he is looking up in the general direction of the camera (this is a rarity!).

Sigh. Love.

My Weekend so far.

Our internet and TV have been out all weekend (ohmagah) so we've been trying to find other ways of amusing ourselves. Friday night we dusted off Yahtzee and gave it a go. Seriously, Yahtzee is so much fun.

Yesterday morning when I couldn't wake up with some coffee, news and catching up with blogs, I popped a DVD in to my laptop. I forgot I even owned DVD's, we download all of our movies from Apple TV or rent them through our cable provider. I used to live at Blockbuster and now I can't remember the last time I went into one. It's all a little actually. This instant gratification thing is becoming all too much for us as a society, but yet I want all those luxuries. Torn.

We went out to dinner last night on a whim with my parents, brother Alex, his friend Dylan, my sister Nichole and the newest guy she has been dating, Chad. We headed over to The Malibu Cafe at Calimigos Ranch. I haven't been to Calimigos in such a long time, and had not been to this restaurant before. Seriously, this place is amazing. You dine under the stars, surrounded by trees covered in hanging lights, and they have pool tables sitting in the grass. There is a lake with paddle boats, beautiful cabanas, all tucked away in a mini forest. I felt like I was in a fairy tale land as everything just seemed to sparkle. I'm already planning our next trip here, I would love to get friends together for a drink, some food, or just for some s'mores over the open campfires. This place felt...magical. Amy, I'm taking you here for some appetizers and s'mores, stat!

YUM.

And we're spending today playing with face paints, hopefully a nice home cooked dinner, and True Blood. What's your Sunday routine?

Face painting (or body painting) fun! Thanks Grammie!

Yea, really, THANKS Grammie.

Sunday morning Starbucks run!

Things I heart Friday

I wasn't able to finish this yesterday, so here are all the things I'm loving Thursday Friday.

By the way, I love the word "things," I'm sure teachers would encourage me to use another word, but it's just so universal. Thingsssssss. Anywho, here's what I got:

- Jennifer Garner REALLY is preggo! Well, it was obvious but glad they confirmed it.
(On a side note, so is Jason Batemans wife, they also have a daughter named Francesca, 4. I have a tiny bit of a crush on Jason Bateman.)

-This funny article written by Teresa Strasser this week on kids birthday parties; A Kid Pro Quo: You Throw a Party, I Better Throw One, Too.

-This hilarious music video found on YouTube called "Early Bird Catches the Sperm." Since my mind is so consumed with all things TTC, this lifts me up (I'm sure a bunch of you will get a kick out of this!).

-This beautiful (and sad) picture of a dog who wouldn't leave his owners side at his owners funeral. Touching and sweet.

Article and story found here.

- I really want this wreath for my door. I love wreaths, and I want one year-round, ok?

Found here.

That's all I got.

It's FRIDAY people!!