Tuesday, August 2, 2011

My heart broke yesterday

I am extra emotional these days. Well, I'm always emotional. I cry when reading or watching the news, reading blogs, talking to people. I feel like everywhere I look there is another story of loss, another heartache. I can't help but feel so deeply for others as if it happened to me. Maybe I hold on to these stories to give me some peace or memory of my own? I don't know. I've been sad lately. A sadness I can't shake. I'm so blessed in so many areas, but I keep focusing on what I don't have. I don't have another child. I'm not pregnant. I'm not about to give birth to our precious daughter.

A member of my August 2011 EC just had her baby. We were due three days apart, and we have sons that are also days apart. We were also members of the TTC Your First Child board before getting pregnant with our sons. Somedays I want to scream it's not fair, but I *know* this meant to be a part of my journey. I feel bad for continuing to talk about, to blog about it, to think about it. I don't want to drench everyone else in my sadness but I can't help it.

This is why I can't visit the Baby Center group for Miscarriage and Infant Loss very often. Each time I do, I cry hysterically reading each story of loss, pain, and grief. But sometimes, I just want to feel something. Sometimes I just want to remember. Sometimes the hurt helps me remember. It was through reading these stories that I realized I had all this pain pent up inside that I never dealt with. I felt that I needed to be strong and move on, but after reading about the pain of others I realized that I could let go, and I could feel.

I feel very sensitive to others dealing with miscarriage, infertility and infant loss because of my own experience, and the experiences of those close to me. I want to help, be involved, do something, do anything. I know part of it is just from me bring a mother. This all hits too close to home.

Yesterday I friended Mike & Dana McCusker on Facebook. I knew Mike in high school and he lived in the Bay area at the same time I did so I ended up hanging out with him a few times through our mutual friends. A few years ago Mike and Dana came by our house with friends one night - they are truly such a nice and wonderful couple. After friending them on FB, I saw they had lost their son Shane two days after his birth last September to a condition called Dextrocardia and Heterotaxy Syndrome which occurs with Dextrocardia. Dana had an average and healthy pregnancy with no idea that her son would have this condition. You can read their entire story here: The Shane McCusker Foundation. I'll never understand why things like this happen to good people. I quickly bought up some wristbands to support their foundation (and I hope you do too). Shane was (and is) the most beautiful baby boy, and despite his short life, I can tell what a determined and strong little guy he was from their story. They are so lucky to be his parents, and so much good is coming out of his life.

From their website: The Shane McCusker Foundation is currently working with the UCLA Pediatric Cardiology Department to launch a project that will improve prenatal care for pregnant mothers.

This is seriously amazing and so important. Dana & Mike, you are such strong and amazing people & parents! Thank you for doing this, and for letting me share your story.


katherinebee said...

That is so heartbreaking. I can't even imagine what they must have gone through.

Keeping you in my thoughts - I know this must be so hard for you!

Dana said...

Thank you so much for sharing his story! I miss that little boy more than anything! We both have angels with us and I know they are looking over us!