Friday, July 1, 2011

Women who complain about being pregnant..

**Warning - Picture of pregnancy at the bottom of this post. Do not continue if it makes you uncomfortable**

I've noticed on the miscarriage boards I follow that a lot women who have struggled with pregnancy loss and infertility have a problem with women who complain about being pregnant. I get why it sucks to read that so and so is feeling SO sick and can't wait for the pregnancy to be over when all you want is to be pregnant and would give anything to be. I GET it. But I wanted to give my two cents on it because this is my blog and I can.

After having my loss in February, I announced my miscarriage on FB. I was 13ish weeks and had already told everyone so I felt it would be appropriate to say something about losing the baby. I didn't want someone to ask me, out of the blue, how I was feeling or doing with the pregnancy, and thought this was the easiest way. The very same day I announced my miscarriage, in the same news feed (after my announcement) there was more than one pregnant woman complaining about their pregnancy. Ouch. That was definitely in poor taste and a little hurtful.

However, I do feel like complaining about being pregnant comes with the territory. Most women will be pregnant very few times in their lives (unless you're Michelle Duggar), and I think it's important to soak up every bit of it, even the ugly parts. It's your right to be able to complain about how you're feeling especially if it took you a while to get there. You shouldn't pretend that you are pooping out flowers and walking on clouds all day long cuz that's a lie.You'll probably have hemmoroids the size of a quarter on your ass that will make you feel like you are pooping out razor blades (yes that happens). And you don't have to keep all that pain to yourself and lie and tell people that pregnancy is wonderful all of the time because you don't want to seem "unappreciative". It's ok to say it blows sometimes.

If you had the flu continuously for 9 months, would you complain about it? Umm yes, yes you most definitely would. You might even say you HATED it. Right? And that's an awful comparison to what it can be like when you're expecting, but it sorta feels like you have the flu almost every single day. It's not a walk in the park. But it doesn't mean that these women don't appreciate their babies and wouldn't be devastated if they lost them. Or it doesn't mean that they would rather be struggling to get pregnant than be pregnant. It's just that it sucks so darn bad sometimes that they complain about it. Just like we all complain when we aren't feeling well or when life has us down (and some of us will complain because we just enjoy complaining, cough :Mom: cough.). It's easy to take things personally, but none of it is personal. It wasn't personal that someone was complaining about feeling sick while pregnant minutes after I said I lost my baby. And I know that. It was definitely odd, and hurtful (but I had so much hurt going through me, it didn't phase me at the time).

Dealing with a loss is hard. Really really hard. But I don't think it means that when you do conceive and carry a healthy child again that it should be any different of an experience for you. You shouldn't have to pretend you are happy ALL of the time. If you have been struggling with infertility or miscarriage, when you finally get pregnant, I hope that you DO complain when you've been hugging the toilet for hours, or your too exhausted to shower. YOU out of anyone should be reveling in all the little things that come with being pregnant, even if they are the bad things.

You know you wouldn't trade where you are at for the WORLD, but it's ok to admit it kinda sucks sometimes.

BUT, here's the but, please use some sensitivity when doing so. I'm not going to call up a friend who just had a miscarriage and tell them that I am a miserable pregnant woman. And if someone tells me that they are struggling with infertility, I won't tell them I dislike being pregnant (if I have done this unintentionally, I am sorry).

I do think it's OK to post things on FB, or talk about about how far along you are, and if you aren't feeling well etc, even if you know someone is going through a hardship related to pregnancy. Just use tact. Don't say right after something bad has happened to them. This is your experience and your time to enjoy it. I don't think you shouldn't experience all the glory that comes as a pregnant woman because you are afraid you're going to hurt someones feelings. Just be a bit sensitive to others.

So no, it doesn't bother me when women complain they are pregnant, unless they do it to my face, right after telling them I've lost my baby, that I've also just had a chemical pregnancy, and that my due date is closely approaching and I'm still not pregnant after trying every single cycle since the loss. Then I would want to punch you in the face. And I do want to know how you are feeling, and how the pregnancy is treating you and I don't want anyone to feel weird telling me that stuff.

Life's too short to walk on eggshells all the time.

So I hope you complain.

Maybe this will be me again?


Lauren said...

Michelle, I just wanted to say I found your blog on the Miscarriage Support page on BBC and I love your blog!

Amy said...

I have come to learn that I can't control what others say and do, I can only control what I say and do.

Michelle said...

Why thank you Lauren!!! And Amy, I 100% am with ya girl.