Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Baby Rose, Part 1

This is a difficult subject to talk about, and it might be hard to read. I'm not doing this to gain your sympathy, but I wanted to tell my story about how we lost our baby girl. I really haven't dealt with my pain and maybe telling my story will be therapeutic for me. I don't know if the pain will ever go away, or if I will ever stop wondering "what if," but I do know that time helps. I believe everything does happen for a reason - even something as horrific as this. Maybe I was meant to have this angel in heaven watching over me. I do know that someday we will have another child who I will love and adore, and I will think about the child I lost and how this other child wouldn't be here if that didn't happen. I get that.

I originally wrote this out and realized how long it was so I am dividing it up into parts. I don't recommend reading it if this subject makes you uncomfortable.

Sometimes I re-live that entire day in my head and it still feels like a dream.

But first a little back story. We decided we wanted a second child and late November of 2010 we found out we were expecting. My due date was August 16th. Andy and I were hoping for a girl this time around (but we would have been happy either way). We announced our pregnancy to our family on Christmas Day by handing out presents to each member and asking them to open them at the same time. The picture is here:

The whole family was thrilled - my dad cried. I was so happy to give Carter a baby sibling and have the family I always dreamed about. They would have been close in age - exactly to the month as close in age as I am with my sister. Here is the video of our baby announcement:

What an exciting moment!!

This pregnancy was much different from my first. I felt very, very sick and exhausted all of the time. I started getting intense headaches at work, and I couldn't focus. I felt sluggish and had very little energy to do anything. I wanted to throw-up all of the time. With Carter, I felt very good most of the time and only a little bit sick and exhausted. I felt something was off, but I was told girl pregnancies can vary from boy pregnancies so I thought *maybe* this was a girl. I was tired and kept hoping that the dizziness and headaches would ease up so I could focus on my work.

Baby's first picture at 6 weeks

In my 13th week of pregnancy we went to Prenatal Peek, an elective Ultrasound place in the Valley to try and get a good look at our little one's "goods." This was February 9th, 2011. They said they can do gender determination as early as 12 weeks. I was surprised because I thought the absolute earliest was 16 weeks. We were thrilled. On the way there, we picked up Carter to bring him along to see his baby sibling for the first time. For some reason Andy and I got into this really stupid fight and I was *this* close to turning around. I am truly happy we didn't as it was the last time we saw our baby living, and I had a reference point to when we possibly lost our child. I remember yelling at him during the car ride and telling him that stress wasn't good for this baby. I should have been happy. I had everything in the world I wanted. I had my beautiful baby boy and was almost 4 month's pregnant with our 2nd child.

At the Ultrasound, we saw the baby moving around, and at one point the little one kicked me! I couldn't feel it, but we all saw it. Then the tech turned up the volume and we heard the little heart beat. She also showed us the sound waves, they were glorious. But, our little one wouldn't show us the goods, and the tech commented that my fluid seemed low. Note: Because this is an elective ultrasound company, and they are not doctors - they are not supposed to say things like this. So that scared me. She said it just looked like I was dehydrated (and I probably was). She also said that it wasn't harmful for the baby yet but it could be if I didn't increase my fluid intake in the coming weeks. I asked her if I should see my doctor and she told me it wasn't necessary that everything was ok. She gave us a few pictures of our little one, and we re-scheduled for the following week. I went home and started guzzling water. Maybe the headaches and dizziness were all due to dehydration?! Duh. I had an answer. I started keeping a large water jug on my desk each day and made it my mission to finish it every day before I went home. Within a few days, I felt better. Silly me, I thought, this whole time I wasn't getting enough water! I was finally feeling better and my symptoms eased up because I was getting more water in. Or so I thought.

On Sunday, Feb 13th, Andy and I celebrated Valentine's Day a day early at Mastro's as he was going to be out of town for work the following day I remember telling the waitress I was pregnant so I couldn't drink. I asked her if there was any special non-alcoholic beverages they had and we talked about babies and pregnancy. Andy and I sat there and talked about the life we were growing, and the future plans we had. We had a wonderful evening together.

I originally had my 14 week appointment scheduled for Valentine's Day, but the week prior I re-scheduled to the following day, February 15th at 10am.
On the actual Valentine's Day, I spent it with my brother Alex, and Carter as my parents were also out of town, and we cooked a nice dinner and dessert. We laughed and made jokes, and also talked about the pregnancy and his future niece or nephew.

Read Part II here.


Hannah Rose said...

Sweet baby Rose. You are a wonderful writer. My baby is Lily, so we both lost our little flowers. And my middle name is Rose, so my blog is called "Rose and Her Lily."

Anonymous said...

oh,thank you that is awesome congradulation's I am not computer smart yet.i have your I could not have anymore.may god bless you!!

oh no rose lily is in heaven.i lost my baby boy age 34 oct.3 so sad ten years ago.god it has not gotten much eaiser.god took them for a reason.enlarged hart and other.i have two beautilful granddaughters!!!!his b-d-ay oct 16 it seemslike yeasturday.i am so sorry...