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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Baby Rose, Part II

If you want catch up, read part one here.

We left off on Valentine's Day. I worked as usual, and then I picked up Carter and my brother Alex, as my parents were also out of town, and went grocery shopping to make a nice Valentine's Day feast. We had taco's and made chocolate covered strawberries for dessert.

Num.

Sometimes I think about that night before and how much fun we had. I had no idea how much my life would change that very next day. We ate our strawberries and played with Carter - not knowing the life I thought I was growing had suddenly ended.

And then the next day, "that day," I went to work as usual after dropping Carter off at daycare. I ran out the door at 9:50am for my 14 week appointment, but before doing so I stopped at my sister Kat's office and let her know that I'd be back in about an hour. I was wrong.

My doctor's office is right down the street. I arrived and did my usual pee in a cup that you do at every appointment, and then waited. I was brought back to the exam room where I happily read a magazine for about 20 minutes. I remember reading celebrity gossip stories, and thinking about work, and the baby. I felt very peaceful. When the doctor came in, we went over the usual questions, how I was feeling, how my son was, etc. I told her that I had been feeling very, very ill up until the last few days, and I was finally feeling better. I felt somewhat normal for the first time in months.

And then she asked me to lay down to check the heart beat. I laid there and she rubbed some jelly on my belly, and placed the wand down - and ... nothing. Which actually isn't that uncommon. I remember with Carter at each appointment holding my breath while they checked the heartbeat. It always took a minute to find it, and it was always the longest minute of my life, but she always found it. I felt very calm as she moved the wand around trying to hear the heart-beat and I was confident it was around there somewhere. Heck - we had just saw and heard the heart beat days before. It had to be there.

Having one healthy pregnancy before had made me more relaxed about the process. I was always so worried and paranoid during my first that I was sure that I wasn't going to end up with a baby in the end - and I did. I started to trust that everything would probably be okay and all my worrying with my last pregnancy was all for nothing. You need to do that for your own sanity. I still feel this way even after going through what I went through. You can't prevent a miscarriage. You can't. Your doctor will tell you that as mine did to me. When I do get pregnant again, I'm going to try and keep my worrying to a minimum. I was super relaxed and confident with this pregnancy as my last one resulted in a healthy baby - and we know how this one ended.  I don't think worrying and stress would have made any difference. So it's best to let go and let what will be, be.


Ultrasound #2 at 9 weeks

My doctor kept moving the wand around and waiting. And waiting. And after a minute or so, she said she wanted to "cheat" and do an ultrasound so she can find the exact location of the baby. She said this with a smile. And I smiled back. Cool, I thought. I'll get an ultrasound today and get to see my baby! At this point I was only a tiny bit worried but this had happened before with Carter and once I saw him on the Ultrasound he had a perfectly strong heart beat. So this would be the same, right?

She placed the Ultrasound wand on my belly, and instantly I saw my baby on the screen as perfect as can be. Aw, my baby! And I immediately looked at the baby's chest area so see the flickering heart beat that always gave me a sense a peace. I kept staring at it, but something was wrong. There was no flicker. I looked harder, maybe I was missing it. I looked at my doctor and back at the screen. There was no flicker. There was no heart beat.

This is when panic set in and my heart started to race. The doctor did a measurement of the baby's size and it was measuring 13 weeks, only a few days behind. I told her that I had an elective Ultrasound just 6 days ago, and the baby had a strong heart beat. She asked me if I was sure. Yes I was sure! It was there. We all saw it. I started to question my own sanity.

She turned off the machine and I asked if everything was ok. Obviously it wasn't - that was a stupid question. She said she didn't want to scare me yet, but that she was going to send me for a scan at a nearby imaging place. She walked me out, gave me directions, and sent me on my way.

How does one walk out of a building, get into a car, and drive 10 minutes to another location knowing that you possibly have a baby that is no longer living inside of you? Oh and you're all alone. I wasn't sure if I should call someone, or keep it to myself until I knew for sure. But deep down I knew we had lost the baby. I was in shock. Maybe my doctor's machine wasn't very good and my baby did have just a very low heart beat?Maybe there was something that could be done? I wasn't crying just yet. This was my worst nightmare come to life.

I decided to call my sister Kat and tell her that I wasn't sure when I'd be coming back to the office, and then I started to cry. I told her I thought I lost the baby. She kept trying to re-assure me that maybe everything was ok and that they don't know for sure yet. But I knew. I've done all of these appointment's before, this is not normal. This doesn't happen. She insisted on coming to meet me, and I told her no. I don't know why I wanted to be alone. It was almost as if having someone else there would have made everything more real. If I was alone, maybe it wasn't really happening. Looking back, I really should have told her yes.

Read Part III here.

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